.control model.

my father is of a dying breed in today's generation of political correctness. his authoritative, militiristic persona drives and what ultimitely governs the actions of myself and my direct family. all of us aim to please him, he's the figurehead of course, but his impotent personality and blunt nature push us farther apart.

tonight, for the um-teenth time in my life, my mother came to me and cried her weary eyes out. the same talk of leaving him; the same mumblings of unhappiness. as much as i understood her pain, this had been a routine i grew tired of even before i left for orlando. as she stuggled with stories and reasons of her malcontent, the same inserts of "i just walked away" and "i just didnt say anything" became repetative. i dont blame her for her lack of fight, but there's a place to draw the line; unfortunately, i feel that line was overlooked and left some years ago.

his inability to communicate-- his foreboding presence are part of a time when male dominance was still a very distinct part of the world's society. absent away from family for so long and away during the era of love and peace, i feel, have played into what now exist downstairs, naively watching TV as i analyze and leaving a doubtful spouse questioning. i dont know what may happen in the near future... he still has my respect as a man, but i am afraid of what may happen if personalities are truly genetic...

.somewhat relative title.

personal thought. set up. thoughts about situation.

bitch. bitch bitch bitch. bitch bitch bitch bitch.

whine. whine some more. whining.

insightful thought. bitch.

(sorry. silly mood. was asked what i write about in my journal.) ; ;

.way with words.

if you could've read what i did just a few minutes ago, you probably still wouldnt understand. she's like a beacon, an enduring hope. i'm so breathless right now, but the happy breathless^^. seriously, it's a feeling like this and a woman like her that makes know why the amount of sappy songs are infinite.

./me sighs.

after 3 months in jacksonville, i can say that things are very awkward at home with the family... it's as if they've taken a step back with my own short-comings. i can see it mostly in my dad's actions... well, lack of actions. his non-existant interaction with us at home indicates that something bothers him, but of course being the stubborn bastard he is, doesnt let me in on it... my mom on the other hand has become very energetic, almost as though she's trying to keep anything from bothering her, acting too involved in whatever i find her doing about the house.

this isnt settling well with my stomach... something's going to erupt and i'm going to be caught in the middle of it, whether i'm really the cause or not... frankly, i can remember things being this way when i left for orlando,*cough* which is why i left in the first place.

i've been distancing myself as far as possible from the house whenever i can. being there drags my morale, like a "pit of dispair" so to speak.

.same old #$&%, man, just a different day.

23... i'm 23 today and you know what that means? :/ not much for myself, in my opinion.

i dont know what it is about my birthday. i've always been turned off by the fact that i'm becoming older. frankly, the only real enjoyment i get from my birthday is the fact that Fall is just around the corner (it used to mean presents to me, but what are presents without meaning? sure, i enjoy gifts and such, who doesnt? but for me now, company and moments are important... and money... lots of money... *shameless hint*).

so how am i spending the day of my birth? going to class, studying a bit, playing video games, going to dinner with family, then maybe play some hold'em at jon-jon's/see what the guys are up to at the armory...

"but... why dont you hit the club? get your eagle on and shiet?"
i gotta save some money... because i'm going to the game! where you can be sure that I WILL NOT BE DRIVING HOME *grin*

now, if you'll excuse me... it's the same old shiet, man, just a different day

.gone til october.

damn it's the end of september already? here's a snapshot of the past couple of weeks:

football is in full swing and i'm getting my ass whipped in my fantasy league, again... you can check out my main record here at yahoo... i'm there as "hurricane tasty" (i usually go by "big and tasty," but in light of all the recent hurricanes...). oh well, go jaguars!!!

speaking of which... jacksonville hasnt had a direct hit from any of the past 4 storms, but my car was still dented by debris :/... bastages... OH someone posted this bad boy in my group forums:
the paths are absolutely wrong, but i thought it was funny...















last thing i need to bring up is this kid i saw over at docking station earlier in the week. he was playing that new game, fable, for XBox. now, kids can be obnoxious as is, but this kid had a hard time seeing the screen... so hard that his face was constantly pressed up against the 22 inch TV. being the only person near him, he asked me for help... sometimes i'm too nice... i spent an hour of my paid time to help him!!! but, man, he's semi-blind... he needed a bit of help so i gave it to him. after that bit of time i really had to get back to what i was doing. he wouldnt listen to my pleas and kept asking for help, so i just kind of... um... took the initiative and relocated across the store... besides, i thought to myself, it's not like he could find me(ouch). after that, he walked about the store asking people for help and no one did... i felt like shit, but i had to finish things. why the hell is a semi-blind kid playing video games anyway!?

.sundaze.

the wake of the morning that every guy awaits each year, i was given a formal ulitmadum to cancel whatever plans i had made for this game day to do chores by my father... chores... fucking chores... i candidly reminded him of yesterday afternoon, one of those typical no-plans-so-sit-at-home-and-watch-reruns saturday afternoons, when i had asked him if there was anything that needed doing and he replied with a stern, poker-faced "No."... As you can imagine i was highly annoyed by the lack respect i was given, but nonetheless, i don't pay rent(and you cant beat that *spiteful smirk*)...

as the day waned, i began to gain more grip of my emotions and based my lack of NFL's opening sunday participation due to karma... you need to understand that my home, err... my parents' home in jacksonville is surrounded by trees... the yard had turned into a debris field along with the rest of the neighborhood when francis came ever so slowly through florida... along with that fact, and that as a teen, i distanced myself as far as possible from my father and never once helped him when he asked me volutarily(without threats on my head), that this sunday was the pay back for all those days...

.morning thoughts.

i havent been in deep thought in awhile...

yesterday i was rollin to "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West and i started thinkin about God and religion as a whole... i've never been fond of religion and strong beliefs... i mean, look what it's still doin in the middle east for thousands of years... it's hard enough to keep faith in my computer, let alone a supposed non-fictional deity...

i woke up at 7am today and watched the haze of night dissolve... at first i thought about how the football season was starting tonight, but then my experience started to hurt because i thought about ben... i really miss him... and of course all of us close to him are dealing with him being gone one way or another, but i think about him everyday... he's a huge impact in who i am, so much so that i remember my mom scoldin me years back about hangin out with him and comin with that "birds of a feather..." junk...

i want to believe in eternal life and Jesus and his sacrifices... i want to believe that there'll be another time where i'll give my boy a pound and a hug and forget all the little shit that pissed me off and remember why he was my boy in the first place... i still keep his number in my phone because i want to feel like i can just reach'em like that... i want to believe in everything, but i just can't...

i read a book awhile ago, The Five People You Meet In Heaven... it's a fiction book, but it gave me a restored hope in life... and death...

yeah, well that was my morning... that, a smoke, a hard boiled egg, and "Broken Wings" by Mister Mister...

oh BTW!... frances was a bitch... camping whore, ha!

personal note: Go buy shells, plants... plan essay 1...

.test.

wtf is wrong with blogger on dial up?... all i wanted to dod was change my ghey banner... gew.

.1652.

if you dont know, i'm back in jax... if you havent figured that out yet, i dont care enough about you to let you know...

so i've been here for a good month now, although it was the biggest pain in the ass to get here... but, it was a good month... vy was here and it was great to have the romance bloom before school started... but now things are in full swing and the game face's gotta come on... i dont even know why i'm typing all this crap since i got a pile of things to do... for my own justification that i have no life again, i guess...

well, back to work... morning classes suck much ass...

trip notes:
jamaica's flag is a rainbow?
jacksonville's population is a million people
if i could go back in time, i'd invent air conditioning
my dad has a lot of movies
a good amount of those are asian porn
i have yet to put those back
seriously, jacksonville's population is a million people
the jaguars dont suck! they're rebuilding!
TLC, i'm in need of a Clean Sweep
my nipple hairs are longer than david's
sharks always attack the tourists first
yes, they know which ones are the tourists
sharks dont come to jax beach, just angry jellyfish and man-devouring algae
no, no... seriously, jacksonville's population is a million people
fat is flavor
cannons make awesome kodak moments
dial up sucks
build up, not out
if you like hot sauce, i feel sorry for your spouse
i've officially been farted on...

.F@#K THE WORLD!.

i'm in a pissy ass mood... noone's fault really... i blame the weather... and my lack of accomplishments... anyway, 22 fucking days til i'm back to where i started and i'm not exactly very pleased about it... so dont fuck with me if you dont want to be on my extensive shit list... ass.

.the failure in escapism.

this house, my parents house, is... everything i dont want it to be.

it's 2 stories, it's run down, secluded, dark, surrounded by almost every known insect known to man, lizards trying to eat them all, and most of all it makes me angry.

being here today makes me angry. soon i will lose my freedom of walking around in boxers, adoring in the silence of my one-bedroom/one-bath apartment for the sake of progess in my life. soon i will be enduring an everyday toil of having to share this space with my mom and dad.

i thought i could make the best of it. i thought that i would be fine. i felt that if i put my energy into making my area a more 'enjoyable' environment that i would beable to endure the whole situation.

today i know for sure that i will never be comfortable here even if the physical characteristics of this house are changing. this IS NOT my house, it's theirs.

i will never be satisfied without a place of my own... my sanity is dependent on it.

.suck it up; be a man.

i just got back from the CA... sick like a mofo because i went to san fran at night with only the thinnest shirt in my wardrobe on lol.

i never cease to amaze myself. i've been in this relationship for 3+ years now and our time together is full of seperations; either her walking toward the terminal as i watch or me walking to the terminal as i keep looking back for her. i'm so damn sappy. you would think after the experience of letting go over and over that i wouldnt cry.

i did. i wept like i did when i watched bambi for the first time.

okay... not that bad(and i didnt cry when i watched bambi because i didnt get it. yeah, that's my story and i'm sticking to it). a few tears came out and i felt silly for being so attached, but i mean, that's i really feel about her. that's as real as it gets. when the fact that you're leaving someone you love hits and you get sad EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME IT HAPPENS, that's real emotion fosho... at least i like to think so.


my brother taught me how to ride a bike. when he let go i busted my ass and scraped my knees, but i persevered got back on the bike and busted my ass again. the next day i would get it, but the point is that it was one of my first real trials in life; people can help guide you but it's yourself that needs to be able to push off and start moving... that's why you should learn to drive ASAP because falling off your mode of transportation is embarrasing. seriously, i hope jason and isabelle learns soon.

trip notes:

dirty clothes are infectious;
i should be spider man (19 spider bites);
i'm sensative, very sensative;
soccer players are cuter than me;
shawn is just a friend, shawn is just a friend, shawn is just a friend...;
i still have what it takes to fall asleep with my head on a desk;
if you're a guy, see master and commander. period;
i am in need of a psychiatrist;
i guess it's true about black guys;
adobo is universal;
i think i'm in love, my nose is bleeding;
vitamin C wont turn your skin orange, it only tastes that way;
the lover really wasn't boring;
living on a hill is way cooler than on flat land, literally;
san fransico is needs more street signs, less rainbows;
san fransico is also in dire need of a parking garage;
oakland airport needs to take down some exit signs, unless they intened on construting a parking maze;
magikarp is a weak pokemon;
it's called a water-strider because it strides on water;
the AOL symbol is a naked man;
kansas city still smells like fried chicken, still;
the pants must fit in two months or i'm a dead man;



personal note:
music to DL-
modest mouse
franz ferdinand

forgot to post these before i left:
THE HAWK!


and rainer's rendition!

.sleepless days.

as some of you know, i've got the semester from hell this summer... 3 classes from 8am to 10pm every damn day with stacked homework to boot... i know i'm whining right now, but you know what? i'm irritated... i'm not used to dealing with this amount of stress on a daily basis... i cant even go home and cook myself a decent meal...

there are people out there who deal with this type of agenda every day of their lives and are fine with it... i, on the other hand, am not used to leading a normal drawn out life... for the past 4 years i've been that "creature of the night" who sleeps late and wakes up late while my activites fit into MY schedule.

it isnt so easy this time... in order to progress, i've had to sacrifice the luxury of my schedule... i now understand what my brother means when he doesn't "have time to be fooling around."

real life waits for no one... if you dont learn now, it'll cost you later...

and i hate fucking late fees...

nicotine=4
caffine=2

.actions are louder.

when you're tired of something you like, you take a break from it and return to it at later time when you're ready to come back to it.

i suppose that's the logic.

but some people take this to the next level, and never return to that path they liked ever again, only moving forward.

there's logic in that, also. however, it's a philosophy that i've never taken to heart.

today i was told that some of my actions have become rather annoying. of course that made me feel like shit... i mean, they are my actions.

i just want to be adorable, i guess. pinchable in the face, even.

do we need a break? i do not want it to be permanent.

.nightmares.

holy crap... i am freaked out, for real. i had the fucking scariest nightmare last night and i couldn't stop that shit.

usually when i have a bad dream, i can take control of it... for example i got this imagery of getting robbed a while back i told the fool robbing me to "shut the hell up and gimme your money!" and it happened.

all jokes aside, last night was something i had never experienced. i wish that i had documented details, but i can't recall a damn thing. i just remember waking up paniced... as if i were in my last of moments of existance. the pain... the emptiness all too real...

i don't know...

the point is that it's something i never want to feel again... ever.

.eric, what you been up to?.

alright... it's the 12th and some shit's in motion... this fall i'll be headin back to jax; take it or leave it. i got to kick start my life and if this is the way it has to be, so be it...

now, an update on my activites...

Music:
i've been fuckin with some beats that'll be posted up in the next few days on soundclick. i've been tryin to focus on foundations and such so that the lyrics will determine the rest of the song. been workin on shandy's thing... going horrible.

Writings:
i got another driveby essay coming up; if you want me to rant on something, please let me know... i'm to patient to be focusing of my own hate... HIRE ME TO DO YOURS! *thumbs up*

Drawing:
i've been working on some sketches to post... no i haven't... move on.

Work:
fuck work!

School:
fuck school!...
i start summer on monday... forget calling me to eat breakfast or dinner.

Relationship:
yes, vy and i are still together... yes, 3 years is amazing... yes, long distance is hard... yes, i'm tired of you commenting... yes, i'd like you to go away... yes, i dont have a problem in bed... wait, what?

done.
note to self: research Monopoly strategies.

habit count:(biting off bridget jones)
nicotine- 5
caffine- 1

.realization (mid-month update).

yesterday was ben's benefit concert at "freebirds live" at the beaches, where he left us. i wish more of you would've been able to come out, but there was a good good good amount of people there helpin to support the cabacungan fam. i want to thank everyone who came out, the bands who participated to make this so special, and of course those at freebirds who've allowed the whole thing to go off without a hitch.

the bands included:
evolemo
devereux
allele
opiate
mr. beam
trite
asamov
cue estey (QST)
dj intellect (dammit, dylan... call me, son... gew!)

i had a good time... i hope everyone else did, also. BTW, freebirds has no plans of fixing the old front door that drunk motherfucker ran through; instead there is now a big ass piece of plywood there that will never come down that you can sign, if you can find a space... B.Y.O.Sharpie.

so yeah, it's been awhile since i've updated. vy was (yo, james... you got dogged with that "wifey" crap, man) here last week, so you know, i didnt want to waste my time reflectin on memories rather than makin new ones, you know what i'm sayin? but during the time past i've come to realize that aspects of myself need to be "tweaked."

let's take for example my new found nickname, thanks to rainer and mike... "slowness." apparently, 1. i do everything slower than normal. from grubbin to drivin, there's no sense of urgency in what i do. and as much as i try to deny it, i am fully aware of my actions.

another nuance i've noticed is my 2. dwindling attention span and my 3. increasing laziness. in addition to being slow as a mofo, the things that i need to get done get so little focus... i.e. laundry. my wardrobe has amassed into an uncontrollable blubbering behemoth. there's no way in hell i'm washing all of it... there's too much of it and costs too much, so i cut it short the amount i do and let some of it sit there... for months... not exactly awe inspiring, is it?

i could go on, but i think you get the point. i've already taken steps to improve myself, mainly kicking soda binge, downgrading my smoking, and working on my endurance. daily goals fucking help a lot to... did you know that? it's like a shopping list for your life.

fucking magical... anyway... outtie... here some picutes from the event... thanks to daisy and gerilyn.

.time still stands.

just a poem... i'm having trouble sleeping...
BTW, i hope you set your clocks ahead an hour...
dont be like me... refusing to conform with society!


time...

stands...

still...

and i'm there
just a moment when you're

unaware

i take a glance, a breath, a relative second
as the flash injects into the air
and it's done
before you even notice

blind to my intentions
you pass me a smile
which, too, imprints on my face

even now as we're apart
for what seems an eternity
my smile remains
falling back on my memory
it helps...

stand...

still...

time...

but memory's limit is far too short
and tangible expressions are far too simple
to duplicate
you

i try and i try to fall back
into your compassion
i just miss
you

everyday i feel drained
using all my energy
i try
but all my efforts are in vain...

still...

time...

stands...
...

.a picture worth a thousand words.

twister... the bed cover...

.no fear.

i hate giving speeches... i hate, hate, hate giving speeches... but for my boy... one of the closest people in my life, ben c, who died march 17th... i said this in front of a packed church with 200 plus people before i helped him out one last time:

"it all began with 3 grandpas; our lolos:
mine, david g*****'s, and ben's in monument oaks.
constantly i would walk with my grandpa to the other side of the neighborhood
so that all of us could play together.
it was only natural we became friends.
we dubbed ourselves the "lolo" crew,
destined to be great friends forever.

my sorrow comes today from having to go on
without you, my dear friend...
never to manifest the memories we had hoped to create together.
however, i am not here to be sad;
i am here to cherish your life with all the people that you loved so dearly.
as best friends we learned the lessons of life, all of them, the hard way...
unfortunately, this will be the last and the hardest...

in being so close, we exchanged with each other pieces of our personalities.
we reflected each other so much that strangers would mistake us for brothers.
those pieces of myself have gone on with you, but the ones you've instilled in me
will keep you in my life until we meet in the next.

it's an honor to be someone special in ben's life, but i know that all of us will miss him equally.
i'll be here for you, my friend.
always and forever;
because we're lolos for life..."

my dedication page is underconstruction... link will be up when i'm finished...

.goin back to cali, to cali, to cali.

i staring at my laptop and it's diiiirty... there's no other word to describe it... just dirty... the fuck did i do to atract so much fucking "dirtyness."

anyway i'm serving the first part of my sentence here at the MCI airport in kansas city, missouri... they're doing construction on the inside so i got jackhammers and "hand me the shit" (whatever that means) in the background. i remember it being the same the last time i was here... which i've forgotten when that was.i travel so much it's a all a blur, recalling only where i can and cant smoke. show's you what's important to me, doesnt it?

i'm on my to san jose again to see vy. she thinks it's a pain for me to pack up and get on a cramped ass airplane like she feels. it's usually not bad for me, but this time i feel like crap. nothing's different about the way did things; i wonder why i feel so shitty? it's like my head wants to flop off my neck and roll into a corner.

during the duration of this trip, i hope to fulfill the goals i set out:

be a loving boyfriend while vy get's stressed out with finals.
make some decisions on our activities and get some respect.
show that i have some grains of self control over my penis and get some respect.
see chris at the LV airport on my way back.
and make this another awesome memory while getting some respect.

lol, you think there's a lot of love in my relationship? well there is, it's just that i lack the opportunity to gain some goddamn respect!

honestly, our relationship hasnt had the chance to flourish and this is the only time i get to improve my standings as the one who will dominate her heart.

dominate... i love that word...

/*note to self: work on points for driveby essay on airport security*/

.the dean.

"today was "super tuesday"; in case you didnt know, it's when california, connecticut, georgia, maryland, massachusetts, new york, ohio, rhode island and vermont hold their democratic primaries and has constantly been the foreshadow to the democratic nominee.

today's overall winner was senator john kerry, winning 9 out of the 10 states. now i have nothing against senator kerry who is a yale graduate, a decorated military officer who both served during and spoke out constantly about US involvement in vietnam to congress comittee hearing, and has been trusted with power in politics for more than 25 years.

but somehow this political titan lost his chance at a clean sweep. somehow he was unable to penetrate the closeness and respect that the people of vermont hold for former governor howard dean.

now that i'm registered to vote, i'm a bit upset on who to vote for. i dont like anyone of the people running for president and i just dont want to vote with my affiliated party. i wish dean had gotten the bid. he's evokes a genuine caring for the country and the people wish i feel was proven by the love from vermont and the pure excitment in his eyes when dean was the democratic front-runner at the beginning of the month.

you can find out more about dean and his plan, (which BTW kerry and edwards adopted after they found out what his views were),here. i hope that he runs again in the future.

.im not crazy.

this is my homes, DJ. i swear i was trippin, but i took one look at him and said... yo, you know what, dawg? you look just like johnny depp in pirates of the caribbean. now, i've brought this to the attention of others, but all i get is disbelief. so here it is for the nay-sayers; a side by side comparison of the two for your own eyes to be astounded by. granted it's not "uncanny" parse, but shit... i think that's pretty close. Disney, if you could go ahead and prepare those 5% royalties, pleasethankyou.

(pirates of the caribbean, captain jack sparrow, and that poster design there are trademarks of Disney. any reproduction is disallowed without proper authority;

consequences for infractions will result in:
[1.] an old fashioned walk of shame in iron shackles
    [1.5] with a vegetable pelting by paying Disneyland customers
[2.] followed by walking the plank off the top of cinderella's castle.)

.DriveBy Essay:Valentine's Edition.

Valentine's Day is for suckers. Beneath the caring and affectionate front is an underlying tone of destruction; just as the essence of love. During this time is when emotions are at its most unstable. There's the stress of presents or fabricating that special moment. There's the stress of sexual performance, or lack there of. There's even stress on the single person who has to observe this overly hyped day of reckoning. I can't even make my bed! What makes you think I can deal with this shit, too!?

The entire validity of Valentine's Day is in question. Holidays are set aside for the politically influential or religious figures that have made an everlasting ripple on society. But this; this is a day to celebrate love, a relative and indefinable idea. In the age of fairness and political correctness, I propose there be an equal opportunity TO HATE those you once loved. For instance, you collect the things of hers which you haven't yet burned or blown to kingdom come in a box with a tender little bow and you place with it a note with something like the following:

Dear [whatever the bastard's name is],
      Here are your things. I've cherished these items in hopes that we may one day cross paths into love again. That will never happen because, frankly, I've found someone who is in every conceivable way, better than you; and her "spot" doesn't smell like rotting fish. Nice to have known you. By the way, if, what's his name, ever breaks your heart, know that I will be laughing my ass off at you forever and ever... not to say that i'm not doing it already.
      Sincerely,
      [place your awesome name here].

Use what leftover hate you have to cook bacon, because bacon is good.

Now, it's not that I don't like love; in fact, I enjoy it as the next person who wants to get laid, but there's something about one SPECIFIC day to recognize it. I mean, what do you do on normal days, people? Sit on your ass and do nothing!? I say for the sake of experiment, don't do anything on the 14th; if you haven't been an ass all year, you'll find out quick. That should be a surprise she wasn't expecting! Hey, I just thought of something. Why does the NFL season end just as February begins? I bet it's "her" fault.

So as you spend this day reflecting back on how you two fell in love and how you've progressed as a couple since then, please be aware that there are others on the planet who hate your guts with a passion. We don't want to see you kiss or hug or any of that crap because we feel sorry that you can't make your own decisions anymore without consulting permission first. Happy Valentine's Day!

.death from above.

as i pulled into the valencia parking lot this evening i came across an unusual site; there in the middle of the parking lot was a small brown bird overshadowing another that had apparently been struck down by a passing car not too long ago. i immediately parked to observe this one of a kind event at which nature was undoubtly more human than not. i arose from my car to watch as the bird standing at his comrade's side began to flap its wings at the accumulating flies. 2 other cars passed, their occupants gazing with the same look of perplextion as i had when first arriving at the scene. with no other cares in the world than his fallen friend, the bird stayed bound at his place there in a shallow pain; grief stricken and trying to understand the simple ways of death.

two minutes passed as i stood watching with an empty emotion as another car began to pass. i looked away at the driver for a second to see a similar look on him as those before. as i drew my attetion back at the two birds, the one standing began to pick at the feathers of the fallen.

WTF?!

i almost gasped! what in the hell was it doing!?? as i thought about it, more and more feathers were coming off the downed body and the living proceeded to... yeah... well... pick at it like somebody savoring the flavor of a gourmet dish.

omfg... survival is brutal. for a minute i thought as though we knew less than what nature exposed. i guess i was wrong... hungry fuckers.

.this nugga.

if a good looking female stares at you, you should probably do something. if she smiles at you and you know she is because the WALL's behind you, it should contest some response. IF SHE WAVES AT YOU, it's probably a good chance that she wants attention.

but no. not for rainer. he's... ice cold?

as i drove him home he went on about his love life stunk; about how he just cant find a good woman.

DUDE! YOU'RE 22! OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES!!!

if you want it. go after it. if your expectations dont lead you to happiness... change your expectations.

thankyoudrivethrough

.fUx0r3d.

tomorrow is my first test in calc... i'm fucked... later on is my first test in physics... i'm fucked... lol... the funny thing is that this is all i do... school. it's eaten away all of my time and i still can't perform on the level where i should be... i dont understand everything and i need to if i going to achieve anything substantial...

nervousness has set in and has caused me to rearrange my desk area. i am now able to rest my eyes from the computer by looking over at the TV... yeah, it's sad...

*sigh*

on a better note, vy's feeling good... that makes me feel good even though i'm sick. no other medicine i could ever ask for...

except maybe the kind where i never get sick in the first place, but that's kinda asking too much...

.paranoia? insomnia? diarrhea?.

i've caught insomnia again... i dont know what's wrong with me...

anyway, i'll tire myself by typing crap...

it's midway through the first month of 2004 and i find myself very... inert.

i've done everything i've set out to do so far... go to class, eat right, bike, limit smoking, etc. but i feel so unlike myself. it's just like that feeling you get when you know something's wrong; that you probably forgot something or just a certain uneasiness about an entire situation. it's buggin the hell out of me. in fact, that panic is what's got me doing all the crap i've wanted to... keeping myself busy and what-not. maybe it's the fact that taxes are coming up and i gotta lie to my parents again about how i havent been attending UCF for another year... that doctoring my forms will screw them over when we report our crap. $#*%, i wish i hadn't thought about that...

but that's not even it. i can tell. i feel very unlike the way i was when vy left. maybe the entire event we went through together put me in this crazy ass mood. maybe it's shock from almost having a dream shatter.

i dont think that's it either, but whatever it is, it's pissing me off and i'm starting to take it out on people... maybe it's those people? i dont know... but i'm finally sleepy... goodnight

.state of morning.

i havent forced myself to wake up this early on a constant basis in a long time. in fact, i've always had other people wake me because incapable of doing it on my own.

who's the big boy now?

not me! i can assure you of that... we'll see if i can survive the entire semester. in two years i havent attend a morning class so i'm a little out of the loop as far as sleeping "normally." the meantime, i'll be hoping someone drops calculus or physics so i can freaking reschedule.

.self sufficient.

i've been familiar with this particular can, (if you can even catergorize it as that), for as long as i can remember... and i tell you what... this is the single most awful packaging campaign in existence. it's so awful that libby herself refuses to comment on it.

.mass confusion.

i'm at a fuckin loss. i cant let her go. it's impossible. i spent the entire day wishing i could talk to her; i missed her so much. so much for a "break."

we talked today finally before she fell asleep. the longer the conversation went on the more upset i became. "how can she be so damn happy right now?" i keep thinking to myself. she must really have hated the way things were. but of course, so do i... but i wasnt stressed out knowing that somewhere in the world someone wanted to be with me. it was the source of my drive, dude; like gasoline, it made the well-oiled machine work.

i must sound like a desperate moron right now, but i'm fuckin tellin you that this emotion is damn real... i can feel it swelling in my heart. it's like a constant chest ache. to think i used could give a damn about a female and now i'm a broken mess over one. it's so awkward trying to hide feeling from a person who already knows and DOES NOT want to hear how i feel. it's as if i'm now in a one sided relationship because i still want it. no matter how ridiculous we were on the phone just to hear her made everything in life taste so much sweeter.



i hate this... i can't live like this... i'm so fucking alone it's fucking insane... nobody understands how the fuck i feel right now... i couldnt talk to someone if i wanted to because no one knows how to listen... UGH why the fuck can't i get a god damn break?!

."at this moment" (not done).

it wasnt my decision
it was all her vision
not to perserve
or hold on
our life with this long ass distance
and it's pain in it's purity
cruShin aspirations to obscurity
and all i have
is mindless re-security

people reassuring,
well they try
but all it does is magnify
the memories i've bottled inside
and they all glow brighter than the sun
all hurt more than guns
all cloud everything i've ever done

and achieved
at this moment
all i can see
accomplishments are nothing
cause all my dreams were leading to Vy


how do i redefine?
pickin up the pieces as they fall from behind
as i move on with the times
i'm so slow to recover
findin it hard to breath
it ache's from my head to my knees
i fall everytime i stand on my feet
god, i'm beggin you please
save me from insanity
endure my humanity
this shit is gettin so thick
i'm gettin so sick
from this lack of happiness
you gotta return my amenity
cause i'm reachin my capacity


i cant imagine another man
tryin to make plans
holdin on to your hand
and kissin you in them soft sands
you can call me insecure
but i'm for sure
that my love was nothing but pure
maybe you could never understand

i had so many hopes ridin on a great life
so many wishes that had you with me through the dark nights
and now it's all blight
all faded and gone
and all that's left for me,
are your things and these empty ass songs

but was i wrong to open my doors so wide?
was i wrong to let you get close and on the inside?
my heart is crackin from within, i'm fuckin pinned
i'm so stuck on the fact i may never see you again...


how do i redefine?
it's got me starin blankly to the west side
as my emotions collide
i'm so tired of longing
yearnin for another way
i'm so fuckin helpless
that i want to save us some day
god, i'm losing my mind
how could she put me
in this motherfuckin bind
how could she just toss me aside
after all this time
i dont want to feel like this ever again
enough to put myself to an end

.where is the love?.

maybe you should just disregard that last post... because i dont think things may turn around this time...

myself and vy took upon the almost impossible challange of running a long-distance relationship and for 2 and a half years it worked out okay; until yesterday...

the doubt and stress have takin it's toll on her and i dont think she's coming back...

i cant blame anyone but myself right now, though i shouldn't... but it's hard to place blame on someone you hold so much love and respect for...

this is turning out more crazy than i can handle; it's as though my emotion is completely drained, leaving no more similar than a wall. but for an hour i laid, recollecting memories in every fucking room of my apapartment... i mean, she just left sunday... it's only WEDNESDAY...

i'm in that "FUCK EVERYTHING" mood right now... i got no godforsaken pull, no options, and 50 pictures of her from my bedroom to on this stupid laptop.

i'm a 5'10" ball of every crap emotion right now and i hate it... i hate it enough to take it out on anyone who crosses me. i hate it so much because i threw everything i was into this relationship because i fuckin believed we could do it. i fuckin believed that our fuckin friends would be at a fuckin wedding talking about how we fuckin made it through this shity lifestyle to be with each other. i ESPECIALLY believed in Vy, the keystone of my dreams, that she loved me enough to put up with this bullshit.

apparently not...

she was my dream woman, man. the woman that i based every relationship i ever had and NONE stood up to her. I HAD FOUND HER, and lost her, and i can't do a fucking thing but watch this shit fade away. she dogged me, tested me, challanged me and now i dont ever get to god damn be with her.

a fuckin great way to start a year off, seeing my all my goals get dismantled in one fell swoop...

i'm going to fuckin bed... at least i can be somber laying down...