.in the pursuit of substance.

substance - n. (as defined by trusty dictionary.com)

- That which has mass and occupies space; matter.
- A material of a particular kind or constitution.
- Essential nature; essence.
- Gist; heart.

whilst chatting with my dearest cousin over the past couple of weeks, she schooled me upon the subject of having substance. these are the intangibles, the bits and pieces of our personality that can attract, or disperse, others. as she raved on about how she keeps meeting guys who lack this mystified substance, i thought about my own personal... essence. what do i have to offer? what is it about me that attracts women? for the fact that i'm not attracting any women, i must not be offering much.

earlier today, while staring into my harshly-blunt yet comedic bathroom mirror, gazing at my stomach, i thought about it more...
"damn... look at all that substance... i'm freaking oozing with substance here!"
... and then i walked out of the bathroom, pouting.

.letter.

dearest ____,

i am not what you want. over the past few months, i had come to that conclusion. i confess it here on a public forum, to the world, that i am not "man" enough for you, in hopes that it may ease some of the tension between you and i. everything in your email was true. the things you said about how i didn't do anything for you is true. a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, and in the end, i believe that i did not hold up my half of that responsibility. i've always wanted the best for you... and i am not that.

of course i thought about a life with you again, ____. it was, hands down, the greatest experience of my life, to present date. however, there are aspects of my personality that i am unwilling to change. they are parts of me that we have quarreled over before, and i believe that time is emminant to repeat itself if we continued the way we did. i feel that our seperation is better, definitely for you, in the long run.

i am still a child and you are blooming into the woman that you dreamed of being all your life. i cannot sit idle and pull you down, letting you believe that you are happy with me, when in reality, i know you've always felt the opposite; having to constantly push me onward in life. there were times when you needed saving, when i, quite possibly, am the last person on earth who could.

i counter every possible hope with a cliché: "It's not you, it's me." and that is what i will always believe. i wish you the best and a piece of my heart will always belong to you, cheering you on. i appreciate your efforts to contact me; i do see that you've called... i just feel like the things we're going to say will only complicate our resolves. i'm sorry if it felt like i abandoned you when you needed support, but i upheld my silence for multiple reasons, most of which, have been stated over time. the last thing you need from me are more head games, and i hope this will clarify anything left withstanding, so that you may move on to something better.

sincerely yours,
eric b

.a cold night.

last night was the first cold night i've experienced since march.

the holidays are approaching... fast.

as i stared into the night sky, i thought about a lot things... mainly how i've put everything with vy aside for the sake of moving on. i thought about how my cousin put aside her relationship, for the sake of being free... remembering what it was like to live, not for someone else's happiness, but for her own. just before my birthday, vy and i got into an arguement. it turned into a total mess and i did not need to hear it. instead of understanding, she tried to force a situation... and that was my last straw. over five years, i took many actions that i would not have done alone. i've had enough of my submissive nature.

that was two weeks ago. i haven't talked to her since. i dobbled over another cigarettes, enjoying the freshness of a cool breeze clipping my lack of hair.

even to now, she couldn't accept me... only putting me down in hopes that i can change. she refused to see the bigger picture of why i cannot change things right now. the daily pressure to become something great. being the only bright spot in a broken home. i didn't need an opinion in my life, i needed a friend.

i walked back inside the house, wishing that i could sit on the patio that doesn't exist anymore and enjoy the night.

how could i truly open to someone that would criticize me? does she want me to be happy or mold me into something else? all i have left is to finish school and establish the life i want to live... for me.

i love fall and winter. i wish it would last.

.to be.

i've wanted to be a lot of things in my life: a firefighter, an astronaut, a musician, an engineer, a dinosaur, a ninja turtle, superman. but in the past few years i've turned my imagination to writing. while in grade school, i learned the somewhat useless science of english... nouns, subjects, predicates, verb tense, proper english. however my revelation came to me in the form of mr. white. the lessons i recieved from the aging harvard grad at valencia were monumentous to my outlook on writing.

"language is what you make it"
"if you can't find a word that fits, make it up"
"paint and portray"

the critisism that came after i passed his class, with an "A" no less(the only "A" i've ever recieved in any english class), was to be expected. i can write bland emotionless garbage any day of the week, but what makes an essay is opinion and style. every paper i've written since has had a "B" or less, regardless of the subject matter. though with poor markings, my proses were enjoyed, and that means more to me than any grade i could recieve.

recently, i recieved an "F" on the transmitter i constructed in lab, "F" for faulty, due to a wiring job equivalent to that of a man with no apendages could have achieved. after which, i began reconsidering my current position as an engineering student. i muled over my talents, or lack there of. and the only real praise i've received of late is on my writing(my music, also, but that seems to be more out of pity than appreciation... dammit).

so here i am, vexed and unsupported with whichever choice i make, but free to choose and that's all i could ever ask for. in the mean time, i'm enjoying this.

.i saw you.

i always flip to the back of the folio weekly to the personal ads. it always cracks me up how some people describe themselves, though i admire the fact that they throw themselves to the wolves:

"petite, blond, 250lbs"
"energetic, 60 years young"
"i'll make you forget that i'm balding"

admist the desperate cries for affection, there's a section called "i saw you..."(no, joe, i am not looking at "men looking for men"); this is where people post little descriptions of people they have met briefly and would like to get to know that person, but have no idea how to find them. i, on the other hand, do not have the motivation balls to talk to this girl, so last month i submitted my "i saw you..." to their website.

The Usual

I come visit you at work every other day, the brownish-blond from Washington State behind the counter who wakes me up more frequently than the coffee i buy from you. I'm the asian and/or mexican guy with the ridiculous facial hair... which is probably why i'm putting this in Folio Weekly instead of talking to you. Maybe you'll pick this up in your store one day and read this, then maybe you can serve me more than coffee... like a pastry on the side for free. That would be awesome.

-Eric

they haven't printed me yet. bastards.

another reason, that i failed to mention why i did this, is because there are always hot white guys talking to her. they're like, day-time soaps hot. that's pretty intimidating, man. now, i'm not trying to put myself down... i just don't think i'm THAT cute. i'm like... winning gameshow contestant hot; not exactly eye-bulging, but good enough to be on TV.

.confessions.

for labor day weekend, i took a trip to orlando with my family. despite their best efforts, i insisted on driving; not so i could play loud music, not so i had an opportunity to smoke, not so that i can blame my dad for driving slow, but for a whole other reason that remains secret with the exception of a select few.

it all started in high school when i had my first car accident... and then my second accident... and then my third... and when i went to college and had another accident at a yield sign... and then another during a light, drizzling rain... and then being involved in three more accidents within the cars of my friends. you see, i've experienced the not-so-joyous laws of physics eight times too many and the effects have left me... twitchy.

for example... the other day, i rode with joseph, who is fully aware of my fear of being a passanger, to buy chinese for dinner. it was raining pretty bad, so i paniced and covered my eyes whenever i saw break lights flash from the traffic ahead and not feeling joseph's car slow down. completely annoyed(and for personal enjoyment of watching my squirm), he began speeding, tail-gating, and braking as hard as possible. i am proud to say i didn't scream this time, but my ability to yell streams of profanity was uninhibited.

some have called it a trust issue. this problem has nothing to do with trust, dammit; this is a "i don't want whiplash, see you lose your car, and stand around for hours waiting for the police to show up while others slow down traffic just to take a glance at our discomfort" issue. the only cure i've found so far is driving my own car... or closing my eyes during the scary parts.

trip notes:
- my cousins know how to talk shit
- evidentally, florida is the worst place to live
- even if they are in the same room, my parents will still watch 2 TVs
- i can trash a home in less than 36 hours
- you can push any object with your car as long as you keep it under 3 miles an hour
- now that the blue tape(hot lava) is gone from the stairs, it's now deemed "normal lava"
- i told you we should've gone to bahama breeze...

.belonging.

today was odd, by my standards. i spent the day looking for faces that i could recognize, someone that i could strike a conversation with... but, alas, no complextion struck my memory banks. i guess it started this afternoon when i stopped by starbucks. as i walked in, i noticed that i was the only person without a pair; truly single... out of the loop, i guess you could call it. as i sat, sipping my ice with coffee, i thought about calling my friends during that desperate moment of loneliness. after flipping through my phonebook, it dawned on me that i'm the only one who wasn't at work right then...

*sigh*

going about the day i continued to look at people, occassionaly smiling at a girl or two... at a guy or two... i have no motivation to make new friends, no motivation to network... but today i feel like i'm missing out on something bigger. i'm missing that feeling of belonging to a group. i miss my days of VP, lego, jefferson commons, -ness crew... even as far back as playing outside with the kids of monument oaks... if i went outside and played with the kids now, my neighbors would call me a pervert and i'd be arrested.

there's a little boy in the world right now named Jason who wishes for the same thing i do. though he's a little too young to understand why he feels that way, he's fully aware that he's lonely judging by the things that he says. so i suppose all of us, no matter our age, seek that feeling to belong, whether it be family, a circle of friends, and whatnot. for me at this time, i can't say that i'm wanting a crew to hang out with, but it wouldn't hurt.

.the more things change.

it's been a year now since i made the trek back to my old stomping(or at the least, lightly tapping) grounds. even though i've changed my surroundings, my atmosphere, and even though i've gone through some major events in my 23 and 5/6ths years on this world, i'm still the same quiet little boy who likes to have a proportional amount of rice with his food...

i'd like to apologize to everyone whom i have some sort of relationship with. for the past few month i've shut myself out from all of you. the truth is that i am sad with where i currently stand in society's blind eye. no little child this day and age pictures himself at age 24, depending on his parents for sustenance... nope, i always thought i would be an astronaut, or even a fireman by now. anyhow, to accomplish my goals with a clear mind, i've put aside all my friends to concentrate on what is best for me. to all of you who call me on a daily basis(vy, john, darkness, josef), i thank you for your concern, and i assure you that as long as i have my gamecube, i'll be ok (which reminds me, the new madden game is out, i need to go get that >_<).

so now you all know, right now i hate my life and i'm doing what i can to change it.

well, time to talk about something else...

for as long as i can remember, treating the lawn of my parents' home has always been the gauntlet. with the infestation of insects, the lack of shade, the thickness and sheer amount of grass, the quicksand-like potholes, and the fact that all this is on a fucking hill, makes the entire process of cutting it ridiculously slow and intolerable, not to mention that at this time of year, florida weather makes this a weekly torture. now, in recent months, there has been construction at our home which had almost immediately destroyed my young adulthood bane... but all of it has now been replaced with a endless growth of crap... continuous, ridiculous amounts of plants... all of it is weeds and i'd say 70% of the lawn is about knee-high... well, i'm 5'10", so knee-high means that you can take your 3-year-old on a safari adventure around my house, just make sure he/she stay's away from the 5% of the lawn that's at eye-level... fucking EYE-LEVEL... there are rumors that they eat children, so keep them away, or don't, but i take absolutely no responsibilty for the actions of the man-eating plants.

you know, all this could have been avoided if we had owned a lawn mower, but now it's too late... armed with only a weed whacker, i battle these green hordes on a bi-daily basis, however the endless amount of rain fall only brings them back to their original form in a week...

*sigh*

Now Open: Banias Residential Children's Safari! No cover charge! Come visit us from sunrise to sunset! Ask for your free path-making machete at the door!

*sightseeing is at participants' own risk. residents take no responsibility for lost possessions, including lost/eaten children due to giant insects or man-eating plants*

.self discovery.

(after a long battle with procrastination, we've come to terms and have decided to blow up the entire template =/ )

i had never noticed until a couple of days ago that the bathroom is where i'm the most myself; my true form, if you will. stark naked with only the unswaying truth of my reflection, i am the world's best dancer, foremost body builder, and/or just a funny-faced giggling idiot... depending on the type of day i'm having.

alone and within a private sanctuary, i believe this is where all of us find out the inner workings of personality. i'd just like to point that out for the next time you're in the bathroom and you catch yourself doing something you don't normally do in public, that's really yourself and don't ever deny it... *flex*

(LOL i'm looking at the last post i made... i guess by a "few days" i meant a month by my terms...)

.summer break.

i'm taking a few days off... i'm in the process of coding another layout... hopefully be done in the coming week or so (if anyone cares >.>)... trying to be snazzy and crap like that *shrug*

personal note:
"i'm not going to compromise my position..."
photoshop needs to go on laptop after reformat
don't fuck up

.my hot dog has a first name... .

there's something about the word penis that can make any emotionless person flinch with with a "what the hell..." grin when correctly used. for myself, it started in high school when my peers would talk to me about boring things like the lesson from the day before.

Peer: "Eric...? Did you do the projectile motion problem? i was wondering if you could..."
Me: "Penis."
Peer: "Okay?"

well... it turned out that interrupting people with my "penis" wasn't enough. i have to outright arbitrarily wave it around like the village idiot...

my phone rings and i answer:
Me: "Penis."
Joseph/Ben/Rainer: "Yes!" or "Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!"

trust me... penis makes you feel good... i swear... you could be having a horrid day and a little penis could make things all better. the trick is though is that you have to be enthusiastic about it!! you just can't mutter it... you have to be really obnoxious about it. you have to love the penis!!!

why does this work? *shrug* probably because most of them are a joke... not mine of course >.>

PENIS!

.3 for 1- more banias for your buck.

.falling out. (from 5/19/2005)
today i purchased a cd by The Bravery-- another indie, modern-punk band retro-fitted with emotions that's sold their artistic souls for publicity to MTV. granted that's where i get the majority of my punk knowledge, but that's another story...

for my point of today's post, let's take a look at top songs; #1, 5, 15 and 25, as listed on Ohhla:

#1 Wait til you see my D*ck(The Whisper Song) by Ying Yang Twins-
here is a prime example of what is wrong with hiphop. there's no poetry... there's no story except trying to get this female into bed with as much dirty language as possible and an overload of a catchy rythmic bassline. i don't know, maybe you females like that now a days, but i find it... oh what the hell's the word i'm looking for...? unappealing? dull? i don't know... =/
i will however say that there's one part i really like and it just goes, "ba-m, ba-m, ba-m, ba-m, ba-m." damn, you have to listen to it. wow, i am a typical guy, aren't i?! anyways...

#5 Ain't got nothin' by David Banner
again... another focus on bassline. more of that "Crunk" feeling, but this song has more emotion to it... let's take a look at a snippet of lyrics:
I'm a miser, that mean I'm tight as a jew
So if you're, lookin for love bitch you know what to do
Find a man, cause I ain't givin nuttin but dick
If you insulted? Grab your fuckin pussy and split!
more grime, more bass, more repetitive BS...

#15 Don't Stop by Beanie Sigel ft Snoop Dogg
we now have a change of pace where the focus of the song is about a hardcore, and apparently well off, Mr. Sigel. i do enjoy the laid back feeling of the west coast beat, but the fact remains that i cannot relate to your money, B! i don't know what it's like wearing "three piece suits, linen fabrics, three quarter [crocodiles]". c'mon guys, what the hell are ya'll rapping about? money, cash, hoes? what the fuck. well, lastly...

#25 Grind on me by Prettie Rickie
you know what? fuck it... i'm not even touching this one... the name says it all. "Prettie"... -.-*sigh*

lyric- n. The words of a song.
song- n. A poetic composition.

the is absolutely nothing "poetic" except for the rhyme-style of a lot of hiphop now. the beats are awesome and are just getting more so... but what the hell is wrong with today's lyricists?

---

.happy face, sad face. (from 5/23/2005)
my 2pm to 2am binge plan didn't work out... i drank myself a headache by the time sunset came about. today was ben's benefit party for ben @ freebirds and overall it was alright. however the crowd was smaller, rowdier, and, most of all, forgetful of what happened last year. by the time i was ready to leave around 11pm, a drunken-yet-sad-and-sober kristine came out of woodwork saying the following: "everyone who matters is already here. thank you for coming! i love you!" then with a strong sniffle and a forceful, but tender kiss on my check, she disappeared back into the crowd to make her rounds. maybe she realized and felt the same as i had despite being inebriated the entire weekend. if she didn't, i have know idea what she's talking about.

=/

i emerged from freebirds many times to find the sky spotless of clouds and a full moon reflecting off the atlantic ocean. everytime i see it, it reminds me of August 20th, 2000. that sunday night ben, joseph, and i were in the same exact area on the beach... just chillin out and talking... with bright hopes set on each of our futures. we laughed... we laughed more... we freaked out at Herbert the Beach Bum and gave him cigarettes while he talked about "lovin the ladies..." we toppled the big lifeguard chair we were sitting on and went home... the sky was perfect, just like tonight was... *sigh*

i'm cool... i'm cool...

big ups to dillion(aka DJ Coldcut! ahaha!) & dirty digits, JustWill(Nothin more, nothin less!), Shadow Agency, Evolemo, Mr. Rob Roy, Simple Complexity(start some controversy!), Suicide Clutch, Rob Roy's Roommate(sorry, i didn't catch your name), and the other bands that performed while i was drinking or outside chillin. thank you for coming out.

---

.because men need love, too. (for 5/25/2005)
tonight i went Panera on Atlantic Blvd. & Southside Blvd. to ease the hankering for baked potato soup(love me some baked potato soup, boy! mmm...)
next to me was a long dining table able to seat 8 to 10 people. about 2 minutes into my lovely, cremey indulging soup, a clan of caucasian men set their food down and took that aforementioned table. i couldn't help but key in on a boisterous voice from the man at a far end of that group.

"Thank you, everyone for coming here. I'm [blahblah], for those of you who are new here today..."

i missed a lot of the things being said while i was engulfing that delicious manifestation of potato, but when my concentration finally severed from my sourdough bread bowl, my ears became afixed upon stories similar to ones i'd probably find if i watched enough of the Oxygen Network.

seated next to me were individuals within the male population of jacksonville that were within/getting out of/seeking guidance and compassion for broken/dissovling marriages. i never knew such a thing existed... a "male support group" unrelating to alcohol/drug abuse. i found myself captivated by some of their hard to believe, yet not impossible tales.

i wasn't the only man who completely froze when they began to spill their sorrows upon each other. male strangers were stopping, taking seats nearby... male employees stopping their duties... all of us emitting the same blank expression of "damn, dude... i'm sorry."

needless to say, i got out of their before they did... in-case they saw me listening and they call on me to share a story that's only half entertaining as theirs were or, god forbid, need a young, strapping shoulder to cry on. =/

.early to rise.

here i am at 7:30 in the morning after a huge helping of "uncomfortable," though i'm not suprised; how often do you see people falling asleep in a steam room?...

anyhow, thanks to my parents' penny pinching ways, i again get to experience the simple joy that is the "early morning," the stretch of time that lasts from 5am to 7am. i happen to love this section of the day, but i tend to miss it a lot because it's too damn early...

=/

however, when i happen to be awake, i get a feeling of "refreshness" or maybe "rejuvination" is a better vivid. perhaps it's the car fumes from early morning traffic? whatever the case may be, it still seems magical whenever i step outside, shirtless to the dismay of neighbors and various children, and inhale that "early morning" breeze that wafts through what little hair i have(which also happens to include those on my nipples... hehe sick yet? good morning!).

as i stepped out this morning, my first thought was "i miss having a balcony." for 4 years i lived in a second floor or higher apartment, thus enjoying the view of "early morning" anger as people cut each other off to gain that 32 second lead on their schedule. maybe that's what i enjoy... the vision of a day beginning for so many lives that are driving by... or maybe it's the fact that i don't have to be anywhere for another 3-4 hours and can sit back and laugh at the early crowd rushing?

=/

the gist of it is that i do enjoy being alive during the early morning and hope to be pissing off morning commuters soon while i try to stay 32 seconds ahead of my schedule...

i guess i'll go buy coffee now like how normal people do...

.i just want that mug.

to whom it may concern within the Starbucks corperate offices:

as i valued patron of your business, i would like to suggest that your methods and standards that define your various locations throughout the United States are unattractive. though i do enjoy many of your house brews, the environment with which you portray yourself is nothing but a facade. as a community based organization and service, your duty should be to showcase the talents and abilities of your surrounding community. about your various locations you display ample yet meaningless montages of literary and visual art. i choose "meaningless" as a discription because of its dull repetativeness within your chain.

in order to generate more interest, and therefore more profit, for your brand, i implore that you, as a company, step back and observe the impact that your chain could have on the areas with which you are positioned and heed my concern. with the number of stores that you currently have operational, your organization could become a major benefacto for art communities all over the nation, just by generating interest, and therefore more pursuit, in local art.

in show of gratitude for my idea, i will humbly accept the brown, ceramic starbucks coffee mug that had been so recently discontinued as of November 2004. the following is an example in appearance:


thank you for your time and my mug in advance.

sincerely,
eric banias

.social update.

Sunday, May 22, 2005.
The Ben Cabacungan Memorial Show" @ Freebirds
10 Bands including:
Shadow Agency
Hatrick-Dylan
Evolemo-Closeout
& Others

$10
18 & Up
2pm-2am

oh, i found Dillion! he'll be there, too, for sure.

.goodbyes.

university blvd. alafaya trail. coloniel drive. rouse road. goldenrod road. lake underhill road. these were just some of the streets of the area i called home. "home is where you make it," and i had made mine on the east side of orlando for 4 and a half years. this weekend was my triumphant return home, only to leave with empty feeling i had August 4th, 2004 when i came to Jacksonville to start again. however, upon leaving, i was prepared with my goodbyes, driving away was easier than it was before. i honestly do miss my life from before, but that is time past, time to move forward with what i have now.

a few days before, as i jumped in my car to take it to the Gate gas station on Monument Road for some needed cleaning, i noticed something towards the top of my passanger side window. it was Herbert, my grass lizard... death my automated window, crushed as i closed it on him the previous night. as i carried his frail broken body to the bushes on the side of the house, i couldn't help but feel remorse and blame for losing my traveling companion over the past 2 weeks. yes, he was a lizard, but he was my lizard, dammit. anyhow, a moment after i thought about how i carried ben on his day... it was a sad moment, but it's a feeling i've come to accept as part of life. i just hope there will be a few that will carry me when it's my time.

on another note, vy closed her journal. her point for doing so was that if people want to find out about her life, they'll ask her themselves. it's a very good point, so good that i thought about doing the same, however a lot the things i talk about here are not easily expressed in another's presence. also, unlike other journals, i leave little room for the comments of others. this is, for myself, a documentation of emotions, actions taken, and thoughts that i plan to use to enrich my life in the future as i look backward(i like to dwell in the past for some reason. i guess to see how i've come along in life).

ok... i'm tired... have a headache...

.to the darkside, biotch!.

i read this book today about relationship. it's called the "The Book of Vader" by one of my friend's co-workers who's trying to get it published. i have to say... this shit is funny and real.

"This book... is not an emotional filled, hold-your-hand book. If you thought so, put this down."

"If a relationship is a house, then sex will have it built on sand. It won't stand for long."

"Need + Greed = Want. You need air; if you keep extra air that some can use, that is greed. Why do you keep it...? You just want it. It's the same way with cock-blockers. All hail the wingman."

"Look carefully at someone's forehead. Look for the 'Damaged Goods' stamp."

"You can spend $5 with the 'get to know you' cups of coffee, or you can spend $200 on dinner, dancing, then a movie- and still not get the ass... it's almost like a gambling table. You have to know when to walk away. Hell, we ALL pay for pussy, but 99% of us do it indirectly."

"Handle your shit."

though the source is questionable, the male empowerment through-out the book was exactly what i needed. in the preface, he states that it was made for "entertainment" purposes, and i took it in as that, but, damn... did i also take it to heart. for a minute i tried to remember where i had placed my balls. i had forgotten what it was like NOT to be under the gaze of a female and just be myself.

currently i'm surrounded by females here at starbucks, ranging ages from 17 to 22 (total guess... they're probably all 15 judging by their fashion choices), who are on-and-on yapping about "he said, she said" crap. that's what i liked about vy... though she liked to do that also, she was mature about all things in life.

i'm a silly bastard. i guess that's the problem with me. but after that reading i felt a "force" as he calls it. i feel like i can handle any situation now with a Charles Bronson like swagger. i'm tired of being a sappy shit, (though i know i'll always be like that in the end), and for now i need to rebuild what made me so damn dope in her eyes in the first place... be a god-damn man.

(god damn, i'm reading this through and i sound like a complete pansy-ass. oh well, fuck it)

.i'm ok, let me be.

like i've said in the past, you can't go wrong with a good mission statement:

"I love Vy, but i am unhappy with your current outlook with me and our relationship. if breaking up will change your view of myself and life itself, then it's all worth it. if things continue the way they are now, we will both be unhappy in the future."

though subluminally i enjoy it, i hate being right, because it's causing me grief now, but i'm at that stage of acceptance. you know, i still can't believe i actually encourage this. at times i hurt and other times, though not so much, i'm hopeful.

last night she called. i found myself not being able to speak. i wanted to know everything about her all over again, but then i couldn't bring myself to say anything at all. i've never experienced so much confusion in my life about anything. how can you be in love with someone and hate them all at the same time.

anyhow... i'm tired of talking about things like this... things will get better with her and myself, either seperately or together, until then i'm dropping the issue. it'll eat at me, but, you know... i'm not dead. to be cliche: "if you hold a bird too tight it will die, if you let it go and it comes back, it was meant to be."

on a lighter note, i'd like to take this oppotunity to talk about Herbert(this is my journal, dammit... i can talk about whatever the hell i want). Herbert is the name ben, clint, mike, joseph, and myself used to give to stray animals that would somehow become repetative in our lives. it began when we all used to work at Chuck E. Cheese's, where there was 1 horse fly that would fly for months around the back rooms... just 1, and we named him Herbert. to this day there's been Herbert the Fly, Herbert the Stray Dog, Herbert the Snake and Herbert the Cigarette Begging Beach Bum.

my new Herbert is a grass lizard. last thursday, he started started sun bathing on the hood of my car daily. apparently, he's moved in and is now claiming it as his own. though i do question his taste in vehicle choice, his company is much appreciated on dull trips to wherever. his tolerance for clinging onto the hood is about 47 mph. anything above that, and he begins slipping to his certain doom. i've caught and thrown him off twice, but the next day, he's there... chilling and waiting to go for a ride. yes, it's absurd to think that's what he's really waiting to do that, but dogs do it... why not lizards?

this is Herbert, today at school:


lastly, here are some pictures from ryan and jane's wedding:
    

    

    

    




personal notes:
-due to a singular demand from my cousin steph, i'm starting a ::sigh:: myspace.com page. i hope to use that as a venue for beats and maybe make a little on the side again.
-download itunes on laptop
-buy books for econ, egn3025, and egn3108
-make obnoxious sign for graduation

.another day after (self analysis).

i still feel the same way i did yesterday, which was the same as i felt last week, and the rest of month pretty much... and the only way i can find comfort is through anger and regret

but that's not me. that's not how i deal with stressful situations. i blame the testosterone.

i dropped my obligations for most of the afternoon and went to my spot on the wooden walkway by the life-guard station, where joe, ben, and myself spent the last weekend before i moved to orlando. i spent a majority of the time contemplating life, sometimes broken up by the somewhat disturbing sight two over-weight women tanning...

=/

during that time, i came out of my sorrowful haze... all that sadness converted into hate, and i mean HATE. my fists balled, my teeth clinched, and i was ready to fuck something up.

but like i said before... that's not me.

eventually that rage transformed into bland realization. so bland, that if my realization were actually tangible... it'd be a pair of pleated beige khakis, like so:

hurts, doesn't it?...

so here i am now, with this unwanted feeling of khaki, promising myself that i will not let her change her decision. that no matter how i may feel, i have to remember that she needs this opportunity to let her be whatever she wants to be...

am i hurt? fucking yeah...
am i pissed off? yes...
do i blame her? no...
will i wait? i don't know anymore...

whatever... i'm done with this shit. hope she'll understand if i don't answer if she calls tonight... this was last thing i needed after being all sappy and shit during a wedding. fuck it... i'm tired of drama-ful bullshit... i can't catch a god damn break...

here, have a WTF moment:

fucking tired...

my title probably says it all... i'm pretty much fed up with shit...

i know that my life at this moment is not as stressful as most, but neither am i complacent with current events.

i even bought myself some of my oldtime comfort food. i can feel all the fat on the left side of my body jiggling with glee.

i tried spending most of the day zoning out, trying to accomplish short term goals, getting shit done; basically your modern day escapism... but i'll always have free time to think and all those things that i've spent my time trying to avoid come flooding through my head again...

maybe now is the time to disconnect myself... because i don't see shit getting better until i get better mentally...

on a lighter note, i was really glad to see steph after all these years and i my best wishes go out to ryan and my cousin jane...

anyhow... i think i'll go visit with john and something familiar.

an april fool

i haven't had a real post since... damn, december?... and a lot's happen since then... a lot i don't care to talk about... however, i have been doing a lot of "missing" as of recently... day dreaming of days gone by, i guess you would call it...

i guess this post sparked up today first at starbucks this afternoon while having my triple venti vanilla latte while joe had his venti hot chocolate. just recently he's been talking to this girl he met online, nay, an online video game. posh, perhaps you the general public would say, but in his eyes was a very tangible gleam of something i knew all too familiar. i know people who would rightfully justify this to be as a temporary emotion, only to last as long as the excitiment of a new relationship lingers... but, when is that not the case? every single relationship is like that, even the one that i have with my Ipod -- who, btw, has waited five months for a library update. anyhow, a mojority of the time after that, i kept looking back to that time four years ago... how four years ago i felt i had fallen in love with an angel.

the next event to spark this post began when i went to Publix to buy an "8 piece mixed" of chicken (that's 2 breast, thighs, wings, and drumsticks). i strolled into the snack aisle on the way to the deli to by coincedence. i eyes became afixed upon "Tom's Hot Fries" and a box of "Pop Tarts" (plain old cinnamon, of course, with none of that icing crap at the top). i thought about how those products being such a staple for me when i lived and shopped alone in orlando. after picking up my "8 piece," i thought about how rainer would call me sunday afternoon and state the following: "Bro, hurry your ass up, the Jaguars just scored... No they didn't. Just hurry up, ok? I'm hungry and I already made rice." good times.

lastly, i went outside around 9pm to grab something from my car; 3 houses down, where there's a party currently going down at jon-jon's old house. for a minute i returned to my childhood... and then regreted it for another minute, seeing as how Jacky & Jenny, Krystal, and several others would tease me, calling me a fatty and the like... ugh, those bastards can all rot... or at least get called "fatty" by their own children... yeah, i'd be content with that.

eric is a ___

eric is really a ______.

(tsk tsk, johnross... i'll get your ass, i swear). edit: 2011 1/13/05

.2 years ago.

while thinking about how to improve my page, out of curiousity i looked back at my mission statement... god, there's nothing like a good mission statement to make the mind inspired.

since then, with all the hope that i once had, i feel emptier now. i'm also a lot more cynical to the world, though it didnt help not achieving my goals and burying my ben, but oh well.

however, after reading that... i feel rejuvinated somewhat. it's as though i had forgotten who i was and now have a clear realization again.

like i said... mission statements are good.

."fresh start".

right now is not my best mood, but this is supposed to be a journal, so fuck you all...

in the most simplest statement, "i am stuck." that's about the best i can describe this somber feeling. now don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to be a whining bitch, but sometimes i just don't know what the fuck to do with myself...

between a girlfriend who hates your guts, a society that catagorizes you a loser, and a disappointing collegiate career that smarts the ego, my spirits are exactly... um, peppy right now...

anyhow, i hoped everyone's holiday was "aite"... *shudder*
i plan on putting up more junk in the coming days since schools starting and i'll have no life again >.<

in light of that, i took a god-forsaken survey on my brother's blog:

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
i played texas hold'em. it's a lot easier than standard 5 card draw.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont make resolutions. it's just another form of commitment that i'm just not ready for right now.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my best friend.

5. What countries did you visit?
none.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
respect.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 17, i have to visit my best friend. March 25, 4 year relationship.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
buckling down and actually giving into my fear... i moved back to Jacksonville, Florida... oh wait, achievement? i thought this was the failure section

9. What was your biggest failure?
buckling down and actually giving into my fear... i moved back to Jacksonville, Florida.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
blue balls.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my ipod car kit.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Pat Tillman. He's got bigger balls than i'll ever probably have.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
i'll have to go with my brother on Michael Moore.

14. Where did most of your money go?
sustenance.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The 2004 election. Its the first time I've ever gotten truly political about anything. What the hell happened to me?

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
skinnier. (YES!)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
going out.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being good.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
in a drunken stupor.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes, i fell in love with question #21, and as you can see, she's gone, i was too much "man" for her. *flexes*

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Venture Bros., What Not To Wear, and Good Eats.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Five People You Meet In Heaven. that really helped me through the year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
none. as you can see i havent updated my music page in a year.

28. What did you want and get?
my AA degree.

29. What did you want and not get?
an A+ certification.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Closer.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i spent it with family, i'm 23.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
honestly, if i had gotten to make up with ben before he died.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
making the transition from baggy to fitted.

34. What kept you sane?
dirty habits and an unreasonable telephone bill. (calling Vy)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ty Pennington. He's awesome. (i'm comfortable with my sexuality, dammit)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
i dont know.

37. Who did you miss?
my girlfriend, vy. and ben, of course.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Hao in Orlando.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
regret is a horrible thing to live with.

good night...