.the failure in escapism.

this house, my parents house, is... everything i dont want it to be.

it's 2 stories, it's run down, secluded, dark, surrounded by almost every known insect known to man, lizards trying to eat them all, and most of all it makes me angry.

being here today makes me angry. soon i will lose my freedom of walking around in boxers, adoring in the silence of my one-bedroom/one-bath apartment for the sake of progess in my life. soon i will be enduring an everyday toil of having to share this space with my mom and dad.

i thought i could make the best of it. i thought that i would be fine. i felt that if i put my energy into making my area a more 'enjoyable' environment that i would beable to endure the whole situation.

today i know for sure that i will never be comfortable here even if the physical characteristics of this house are changing. this IS NOT my house, it's theirs.

i will never be satisfied without a place of my own... my sanity is dependent on it.

.suck it up; be a man.

i just got back from the CA... sick like a mofo because i went to san fran at night with only the thinnest shirt in my wardrobe on lol.

i never cease to amaze myself. i've been in this relationship for 3+ years now and our time together is full of seperations; either her walking toward the terminal as i watch or me walking to the terminal as i keep looking back for her. i'm so damn sappy. you would think after the experience of letting go over and over that i wouldnt cry.

i did. i wept like i did when i watched bambi for the first time.

okay... not that bad(and i didnt cry when i watched bambi because i didnt get it. yeah, that's my story and i'm sticking to it). a few tears came out and i felt silly for being so attached, but i mean, that's i really feel about her. that's as real as it gets. when the fact that you're leaving someone you love hits and you get sad EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME IT HAPPENS, that's real emotion fosho... at least i like to think so.


my brother taught me how to ride a bike. when he let go i busted my ass and scraped my knees, but i persevered got back on the bike and busted my ass again. the next day i would get it, but the point is that it was one of my first real trials in life; people can help guide you but it's yourself that needs to be able to push off and start moving... that's why you should learn to drive ASAP because falling off your mode of transportation is embarrasing. seriously, i hope jason and isabelle learns soon.

trip notes:

dirty clothes are infectious;
i should be spider man (19 spider bites);
i'm sensative, very sensative;
soccer players are cuter than me;
shawn is just a friend, shawn is just a friend, shawn is just a friend...;
i still have what it takes to fall asleep with my head on a desk;
if you're a guy, see master and commander. period;
i am in need of a psychiatrist;
i guess it's true about black guys;
adobo is universal;
i think i'm in love, my nose is bleeding;
vitamin C wont turn your skin orange, it only tastes that way;
the lover really wasn't boring;
living on a hill is way cooler than on flat land, literally;
san fransico is needs more street signs, less rainbows;
san fransico is also in dire need of a parking garage;
oakland airport needs to take down some exit signs, unless they intened on construting a parking maze;
magikarp is a weak pokemon;
it's called a water-strider because it strides on water;
the AOL symbol is a naked man;
kansas city still smells like fried chicken, still;
the pants must fit in two months or i'm a dead man;



personal note:
music to DL-
modest mouse
franz ferdinand

forgot to post these before i left:
THE HAWK!


and rainer's rendition!