.full frontal.

this morning i stared at myself in the mirror. though i was late for my meeting, i had to stop. a lot of people have been telling me how i've lost weight, telling me how much better i look.

it seems i'm coming together physically, but mentally i haven't changed. i feel like my appearance is a direct result of that.

the creativity, the passion to expand my own thinking, gone. all those vivid visions are now overlapped by my mental impotence and several bills. a shell of my former self, i jot down ideas, lay down tracks for my train of thought, but despite my best efforts i leave it all unfinished.

it's frustrating. i go back and read the beginnings. it all seemed so clear back then. sometimes, i don't eat because my heart and my mind feel so heavy. it's taken me three days alone to put this lame entry together.

you know what my real problem is? i don't know how to wear my grief gracefully.

.helpless.

i have a friend who's been down and out lately. recently divorced, lost his daughter to her, lost his job, his car, too, plus struggling to make rent. great guy with terrible luck. despite these things, he manages to keep going to school.

Pally: "I still don't get why you're helping me out."
Me: "Sometimes we all need it."
Pally: "That's true... but it just feels weird, you know?"
Me: "Yeah, I know. But it's cool, man. I got you covered whenever I can."
Pally: "... are you gay?"
Me: "What the hell..."
Pally: "Sorry, man. I'm just trying to make sense of it."
Me: "Look... I try to help others because I don't know how to help myself."
Pally: "I see... you sure you're not gay?"
Me: "... oh, you wanted to walk? Let me just stop here then."
Pally: "Touché."

.the 18th is always a charm.

(alternatively titled "Pour vous. Je veux que vous sachiez.")

i closed my eyes and let the kicks and snares soulfully influence my heartbeat. that familiar, vintage voice of hers pierced my sorrows, shattered my self-indignation, and became my closest experience to time travel ever. to quote a peer at the show, erykah badu's the shit ya'll.

exiting into the relentless florida summer, i felt really appreciative of the friends i had, of the times we spent together, and happy over the fact that i didn't drive to orlando. thanks again, john.

however, as i pondered on past and present, "she" kept popping into my head. during the concert, a goofy couple kept bumping into me from behind. they looked rather odd together for their height difference, but despite my silent opinions, he held her intently and they both smiled while mouthing introspective lyrics, grooving and looking toward the stage in unison. this girl behind me, donning curly hair, a flowing skirt, and a tanktop was exactly the image i didn't want to see, though it's an image that i haven't been able to let go of in 2 years. i constantly looked over my shoulder, partly because linda was making fun of me, but mostly to check on this coincidental manifestation of something i've secretly yearned since one despairing november.

"She would've really enjoyed this." or something similar whispered in my head all night.

--
this is my 18th attempt to post since my last. i haven't been able to find the desire to talk. i hope "she" doesn't mind me leaning on her for help again.

regardless of whether you still visit here or not, i'd like to let you know about my transit. maybe you can teach me to write this time. (forever the packrat...)

.hellos and goodbyes.

Goodbye, Navy. You and I had some awesome laughs. I hope Nintendo stops being its stubborn self until you can afford another laptop. Hopefully, you'll come by the cafe again when you come back from deployment, but I'm sure that's not going to be the case. I've already wished you the best, but I didn't get to wish you good luck with your upcoming marriage. She seems really cool. Anyway, you know where to find me. Be easy, Brown.

Hello, Muse. You are the music group that I always wanted to hear. Your sound fills me with the emotion and inspiration as i trudge through my days.

Goodbye, Jew's girlfriend. It was very nice to meet the woman who he always complains about. I hope you two had some decent fun while you were visiting. This town isn't exactly a cesspool of excitement. I know a long distance relationship can be tough, but it's not impossible. I'll be watching to make sure your man keeps his nose clean. Don't worry. I don't plan on stealing him from you... ever. I look forward to your next visit when you bring single friends. No lepers, please.

Hello, Spring. Every year you come to reign havok on my health. I'm positive we'll never get along. DIAF.

Goodbye, Kanon. You are a wonderful series and I will always treasure you. I'm a bit upset that you killed off my two favorite characters, but life without tragedy is a life sheltered in ignorance. Was that a good line? I just kind of pulled that out of the air...

Hello, dream. I think about you every night, but most of the time, I wonder if I'm wasting my time. What I'm doing now is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. The path to you seems to stretch for miles and I question my willpower to chase you til the end. I understand that I have to if I'm ever going to experience happiness. Why did I ever push you away...

Goodbye, bald head. I miss you so. You've been a fantasic haircut for the past 7 years of my life, however, my friend needs the hair to practice his barber skills on. Know that as the excruciatingly hot days approach, I'll be thinking of you.

Hello, blog. Over the past couple of months I thought about abandoning you. I'm sorry. I just wish I could change your name without ditching my archives. You have a goofy and corny pun for a title, and frankly, I'm sure I can do better. Unfortunately, I've come to the conclusion that I stick with you. Everything about me is goofy and corny and that I cannot pretend to be some hip internet celeb (though I wouldn't mind the traffic). I have a renewed dedication to keeping you current and entertaining for the people that do care/are bored enough to read you.

.a week later.

she's a no show. the feeling of "moron" is starting to settle in as i sit here, the same time as last week, waiting for another round with her. i didn't think i was capable of such idiocy. even if she did show up, i have no game plan, nothing to say. i'd hate to conclude this with something like, "at least i made the effort." but hey... at least i made the effort.

why am i here anyways? is this the subtle cry of desperation and attention? maybe it's my subconsciousness seeking redemption after all these years? more than likely it's probably the fault of my penis. yup... blaming the penis.

just a couple of weeks ago, my resolve was rock solid. now it's about as solid as my mid-section. i suppose i really got shaken last week. the thought of a love story like the one i'm trying to fabricate would be the envy of this entire city. but no... she didn't even show up to turn me down.

i'll take in this waste of time and make a proverb:

"Those who chase tail are always behind."

.a full table.

today was joseph's birthday, so i spent the day at his place. he invited me to stay for dinner and i instantly refused. for as long as i can remember, i've always felt uncomfortable at family events, especially when it's not my family. i tried to weasel my way out of this one, but he wasn't taking "no" for an answer. reluctantly, i said "We'll see..."

i ended up passing out on the floor in the afternoon. my sleep pattern is all but extinct, with my body catching rest whenever i have downtime. i just couldn't shake my drowsiness today and the next thing i knew, i knocked out next to his dogs. when i woke up, i realized where i was, the time, and that i was wrinkled to hell and covered in dog hair.

"Great..." i thought, "first i'm uncomfortable and now i look like crap."

... and then i smelled the food. joseph's window had been open and the aroma of yum-yums eased my nervousness. eventually, dinner was ready and i made my way downstairs with his family.

i sat down to a feast. lobster, shimp, crab, steak, and a whole bunch of other good stuff. i ate quietly as his family talked, mostly because i had nothing to say, but mainly because i hadn't had such a well prepared meal in a long time. between my repetative thoughts of "OMFG, THIS LOBSTER IS SOOO GOOD I NEVER WANT TO STOP EATING THIS" were feelings of jealousy. his family bond was so much tighter than mine. whenever i'm over there, they're eating and talking together. i never come out of my room for the sole reason of not being able to face my parents.

is there something wrong with me?

i helped clean up and said my "thank you's". i brought home food for my parents because i know they hadn't eaten well either.

.history.

how did you spend your valentine's day?

last night, i sat at my desk eating rice and fish-flavored pork. this is, more than likely, the most disgusting thing ever, right up there with cilantro and mongo beans. as my stomach shrugged and my tounge suffered, i wondered about what happened earlier that morning.

i woke up and decided not to be beaten down, to stick to my philosophy, and observe the day by giving everyone as many smartass remarks as i could. i decided to treat myself to coffee... and that's where everything went wrong.

i sat outside the store enjoying the morning mix of hot coffee and cool breeze. the weather was clear and cold again. the chill weaving through my jacket reminded me how much i loved winter. unfortunately, the breeze brought with it debris that i would never be ready for.

"Eric?" she asked.

"Vanessa?!"

coming out of the door and pausing before me, standing there with the natural elegance she had always exuberated, was the first girl i ever asked out. suddenly, i was stammering for words. my mind went blank. i probably peed in my pants. i had become 12 years old all over again.

i recollected myself as much as i could in the 5 seconds of uneasiness i was allotted and faced her with my reserved faux confidence. as we chatted, i nit picked at her mannerisms. she was always the cool quiet type: softly spoken, hand gesturing her enthusiasm, a gentle smile that i couldn't help but return. in my eyes, she still displayed all the reasons why i confessed to her in the first place.

as i watched her leave (god damn, i didn't mind watching her leave at all...), a gitty feeling passed over me with a new piercing wind; i started having all these stupid thoughts...

"She scared the shit out of me... I wonder if she's seeing anyone... hmm, she drives a RAV4... man, i can't believe that just happend... she looked sooooo good in that pinstripe..."

as i pondered nonsense for a few minutes, my ending thought was this...

"You know, she was the first person to ever call me 'ugly'..."

and all of a sudden, the events replayed themselves, being resurrected from the back of my brain: the mornings where i hoped to see her, the days i spent sitting by her and getting to know her in class, the afternoon where i gave her my note because the words were too hard to convey while facing her, the words that came afterwards, and finally seeing her kissing and holding a good friend of mine...

i don't blame her for anything. well, except... you know... denying my first feelings of love and obliterating my young self-esteem. other than that though, i'm thankful for the experience. she's had more of an impact on my personality than she probably realizes, and for that, i could never thank her enough.

... the rest of valentine's day i spent with my boys. we laughed it up, talked shit, played video games. it turned out just like i had planned it to be. however i decided to go home early and reflect. "Wonder what they're doing..." i said to myself as i curled up at my desk, thinking about the ones that effected me the most. i thought about the elaborate plans and presents that their boyfriends must have put time into for yesterday. i began my self-defeating mood as i sat alone, over my plate of gross with rice. "They better make them happy..." i detested.

thank god Sex and The City reruns on CW.

.anxiety.

time will stop. i'll feel my body brace for an invisible impact. my face will cringe. my eyes will shut. then, nothing. i open my eyes nervously... there was never anything there.

this is a trauma that no one knows about me. it's similar to my problem with letting someone else drive and not being able to watch. however, as deadlines approach, i franticly wake up... and from time to time i wonder why i'm unscathed again.

tonight was one of those nights, but i'm far from undamaged. i'm whole-heartedly watching carson's late night show. i must be at wit's end.

jokes aside, i know where this built up anxiety is coming from. it's from my uncertainty about life. i've never been so clueless about the nearing future before. i've recieved words of encouragement, but they have no effect on my psyche. when it all boils down, there's only the choices i've made, left mingling with my daily issues. it's like an awful get-together where the person you don't want to show up comes anyhow. i never do well shaking that person off me.

dad and i are wordless again. i don't even look at the man when we pass by. yet, whenever i look into the mirror, more and more i feel as though i'm turning into him... haircut and all. he's never expresses himself and often on these wordless nights, i wonder what he's thinking.

"he's probably fed up with me being here." is my continuing conclusion.

as the strength of family bonds swirls in my head, i feel my heart wince. i wish it was the smoking, but it's loneliness. i haven't opened up to anyone since vy. it's not a confidence/self-esteem thing. it's because i'm ashamed of who i am and what i'm not. i've become this black sheep of my family. lacking the profound "substance" to carry on a full fledge relationship, i shun away thoughts of even attempting. who wants a half-assed partner...?

i went to homie's birthday party last week at sneaker's. michelle came up to me with this radiant smile and asks me how i am. i didn't even recognize her... i'm terrible with faces even while wearing my glasses. refusing eye contact, i give a hasty "hey, how are you?" with my most stockphoto face and kept burying myself in alcohol.

she smiled again and walked off to socialize with someone more alive.

"what the fuck's wrong with you? are you gay?!" homie denounces as i ask him who that was talking to me just a second ago.

michelle is gorgeous, intelligent, and available... and i don't care.

i have no "elation" to give to a relationship.

.my fault.

dearest _________,

everyone has their problems. you give me words of admiration like i'm without faults, however that is far from the case. i'm opposite of you. my problem is that i don't know how to live for myself; meaning that, i lack all kinds of motivation to do anything for myself.

i take what's handed to me and i'm happy with it. i don't strive for anything bigger or better. i don't have the willpower to even stick with what i have established. it's a very nerve-racking trait of personality and even the downfall of my last relationship. i'm all talk. the only thing that really moves me is striving to make others around me content.

it doesnt sound as bad as it feels. every day has a staleness that doesn't end. it's depressing and i live with it because i have no desire to strive for anything more. i float through life hoping that something will happen without taking steps to make those opportunites happens.

"if you're not happy, just change." i can here her saying to me constantly.

"i've tried," is always reply, "and i can't."

of course i have goals, but as you said, goals are nothing if you don't move the ball. i took your advice and i started to move, but that's all it was... just a start. we're into febuaury now and i haven't done anything beyond that in weeks. it's embarrassing which is why i never bring it up. this is the way i am. the ugly side that refuses to live and just float through life. if this isn't a problem, then i don't know what is.

btw, gym class heroes will be in town on the 27th at freebird live.

.streetcar named december.

as i hussled away from the lit fuse on the $30 box of mayhem labeled "Blue Willows", i felt peace. standing at a safe distance, behind jen, the small, yet impressive explosions popped into brilliant colors through the air. a nice close to one of the most dramatic months i've ever had. december was full of highs and lows. it was so similar to a rollercoaster that i slept for 16 hours last night, recovering.

at the beginning of the month, i attended the jaguars game vs the colts with my family. i passed through the gates with a cynical mindset. 2 years ago against the same team, i watched my beloved football team fail to win a big game with a dismal performance. this year, however, they came to play. i'd never yelled so hard in my life. by the beginning of the second half, when jones-drew ran back the kickoff for a touchdown, i had lost my voice. the jags would go on to lose the rest of the season, but this win made the season wonderful for me, watching the legendary peyton manning falter in my hometown.

the next week i would break into tears. facing my parents with decisions already made, i broke their hearts. for all the bitching i do here, it doesn't change the unconditional love i have for my family. that love, however, is what inhibits me from ever taking the steps into the life i want to live. even though we shared the house, i became an exile. there were moments when someone would want to come into the kitchen while i was in there, but would proceed to turn around or avoid me all together. all i could think was how sorry i was for being a disappointment.

when christmas came around, things had settled somewhat, but whenever i piss off my dad it's always difficult to repair. i don't blame him, though. i find talking to children difficult, also. we hadn't said anything to each other over a week as we attended mass that day. even then my feelings of sadness and failure were still riding high. i expected a façade of a handshake from my dad when the priest called for peace. instead, i recieved a hug. an uncomfortably long one that i hadn't had in a long time. i could feel my guilt being squeezed out from my chest. i wish i could say that i didn't start to cry, but i did... dammit.

during this time, the chemistry between me and joe would tense a little. i started playing World of Warcraft a few months ago and finally hit the top level, 60. every night, all the 60's in the group we belong to go "raiding", basically devoting about 4 hours a night to clear a dungeon. well, after the thing with my parents, i wanted to take a break. i suppose he takes this as a "i don't want to spend time with you" type deal. i thought it was pretty funny until he started flipping out a bit and blaming me. that's why i don't date guys... anyhow, things are good now. guitar hero is an awesome bonding tool.

over the course of this time, i've been reconnecting with friends long gone. with that, jen has steadily been popping back into my life. she's been my rock for the past few weeks. i called her to thank her one day when i was really breaking down. she laughed, talking about how "it's supposed to be the other way around." hey, even rocks can break.

this past month caused so much turmoil that i started writing again. i've been doing a little photography with john, too, looking for some kind of escape. you can find that here, though i haven't updated it lately. then again, i haven't been updating much of anything, huh?

well, here's to the new year. may 2007 bring a little luck and a little passion with it...



1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
attempted real photography

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont make resolutions. it's just another form of commitment that i'm just not ready for right now.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
none.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
enthusiasm.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
december 15th. july 10th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
my first step forward.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not taking that step sooner.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
blue balls. extreme gamer's cramp.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
storage stuff. the 120GB HDD for $80.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
vy, for just being her tenacious self.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
has to be that trash named britney.

14. Where did most of your money go?
caffine and nicotine.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the end of 2006...

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Aya Hirano - Lost my Music
Slipknot - Vermillion, Pt.2

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
thankful.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
art.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
video games.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
asleep.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
yes. but i let her go, because my life is chaos.

23. How many one-night stands?
i don't do one-nighters.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
antiques roadshow. late night with conan o'brien

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
PostSecret.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
my appreciation for guitarists after several sessions of guitar hero.
rock ballads.

28. What did you want and get?
my camera to stop taking fuzzy pictures.

29. What did you want and not get?
an SLR camera.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Rocky Balboa.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i spent it with family, jen, and linda. i'm 25 now.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i had learned how to be a rock for myself sooner.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
"which of these doesn't smell that bad?".

34. What kept you sane?
dirty habits.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
conan o'brien. i'd totally have his babies.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the execution of saddam. he should've been treated like napoleon, but revenge is a bitch.

37. Who did you miss?
ben. nina.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
darrick from that dirty, dirty TN.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
drama is worthless.
love is unconditional.