.full frontal.

this morning i stared at myself in the mirror. though i was late for my meeting, i had to stop. a lot of people have been telling me how i've lost weight, telling me how much better i look.

it seems i'm coming together physically, but mentally i haven't changed. i feel like my appearance is a direct result of that.

the creativity, the passion to expand my own thinking, gone. all those vivid visions are now overlapped by my mental impotence and several bills. a shell of my former self, i jot down ideas, lay down tracks for my train of thought, but despite my best efforts i leave it all unfinished.

it's frustrating. i go back and read the beginnings. it all seemed so clear back then. sometimes, i don't eat because my heart and my mind feel so heavy. it's taken me three days alone to put this lame entry together.

you know what my real problem is? i don't know how to wear my grief gracefully.

.helpless.

i have a friend who's been down and out lately. recently divorced, lost his daughter to her, lost his job, his car, too, plus struggling to make rent. great guy with terrible luck. despite these things, he manages to keep going to school.

Pally: "I still don't get why you're helping me out."
Me: "Sometimes we all need it."
Pally: "That's true... but it just feels weird, you know?"
Me: "Yeah, I know. But it's cool, man. I got you covered whenever I can."
Pally: "... are you gay?"
Me: "What the hell..."
Pally: "Sorry, man. I'm just trying to make sense of it."
Me: "Look... I try to help others because I don't know how to help myself."
Pally: "I see... you sure you're not gay?"
Me: "... oh, you wanted to walk? Let me just stop here then."
Pally: "Touché."