.chill.

winter's starting to set in. actually it's been going on for awhile, but the freak weather of florida wouldn't give up summer heat for a week or two. it's quite frustrating bundling up and start sweating as you open the door. maybe that's just me... anyhow, things are consistent now, and it's really gets to me when i wake up. if only it was acceptable to walk in public with your blanket.

right now i'm listening to classical music. telemann, concerto in F for 3 violins, to be exact. i've always felt acoustic strings capture more emotional expression than other instruments. even when i made my own (crappy) music, i was drawn to the melodies i could make with those soundfonts. sometimes i regret not taking up band when i was in school. then i remembered i didn't want to be a nerd. where'd i go wrong?

.letter to a friend (cheap update).

dearest _____,

i figured i'd do this as a journal update, since i need to catch you up on things, as well as introduce you to my minor little blog...

i'm sorry i haven't written back sooner. i've been caught up with various projects lately. the major part of it is trying not to dwell in the past. unfortunately, even now i still find myself spacing out; there hasn't been a day that's gone that i haven't had trouble sleeping.

generally, i sleep like a... well, quoting my friends, i "hibernate." there was this time in my old apartment when the landlords were testing the fire alarms for 4 hours. i slept through the entire ordeal undisturbed. that should give you an idea of how hard i sleep.

but over the past few weeks, i've been unable to rest. this will be the third day in the past five that i haven't slept. i passed out unwillingly the other 2 nights.

last friday, i went clubbing. i abhor clubbing. but for reasons, which you are aware of, i needed a change. i'm lucky i ate a lot before i went out. i'm also lucky i didn't drive. despite my over-intoxication and a massive group of friends, i still felt empty. we all gathered at someone's house after the club closed. i laid quietly in my inebriated state in the middle of the street. stupid, i know... but i was too drunk to get up and really too drunk to care.

i didn't even notice a car coming until someone started shouting...


did you know you can see satellites at night? they look like stars, but they appear brighter and if you're out for awhile, you'll notice they won't move if you follow a consellation through the sky. i also saw a couple of shooting stars, i wished for her to find happiness and the 2nd one was for you to find the same...

i can't believe you still work at mcdonald's. the last time i ate there... actually that was last week... but the time before that was in 2004. i remember i got sick off of the nuggets. now i'm in the mood for a mcflurry. i understand it's 8am, but ice cream sounds awesome right now. do they still use reese's peanut butter cups?

did you do anything for holloween? write back soon. i'm sorry i didn't put more. i'll be honest; this is probably the 5th draft of this letter to you. i'll post this version now because i don't want it to seem like i'm putting you off. i haven't forgot about you D=. i'm just a mess right now.

./sigh.

25 years ago, through the miracle of birth and medicine, i was allowed my first breath in this world. 9 months prior to that event, my parents had sex...

despite that horrific image, i'm undoubtedly appreciative of my conception. i just hope i've become someone that they can be proud of. that's the least i can do, i suppose.

today is my birthday, but it will always be just another day to me.

.another sleepless night.

i'm staring at my clock... i want to believe it's 5:18am, but i know it's not. the fact that the digital interface is flashing means that i've deprived it of correctness. also, the sun is coming up and light is beginning to stream in. light is over-rated.

"why am i up, god dammit?" i keep groaning to myself as i tumble across my bed. miscellaneous thoughts flow through my head at the speed of a nonchalant stray scouring for food. at one point i wondered what it would be like to make music again, then proceeded to remember that i sucked at that. sad times.

in all honesty, i know why i am awake. i'm waiting again... waiting for a sign. or maybe my heart cowers, denying that this waiting is s sign to move on. "moving on" isn't one of my best traits i'm afraid... well, i'm not too fond of movement, period. if there were a contest about who could stay still the longest, i'd win... unless i had coffee with an empty stomach again.

*cough* there's been a lot on my mind that i've wanted to write down. unfortunately, i've had my attention elsewhere. all i know is next month is going to be hard for me as i move into next half of my life. i am not looking forward to the coming months. actually, i lost my optimism a long time ago... along with a number of other things, like all the sucky music i made when my laptop caught on fire.

well, back to waiting.

.and then august came.

i spent a majority of the weekend with friends. my old, good friends that i've come to cherish and miss. the ones who i can be my fiction-less self with. and as we caught up i came to find out that i wasn't the only one doing the missing. it was a satisfying, and very humble feeling that i truly am an impact on others. of course, i took things in with a stride and smile, and the hilarity ensued.

though they were different people with different views on life, they all turned to me and brought up one, singular comment which really irked me a bit...

"You seem like you were happier in Orlando."

does it really show? the sadness of being trapped in this sweltering hell?

"Man, i moved here to do better."

which is the most total and utter opposite of how i feel about being here.

i suppose if you hate something enough, it really emminates in your actions. i'm 100% positive these people don't read these entries or have a myspace (yet i'm still connected to 90-something million people? ok...). why did i ever convince myself to do this...

in the mean time, all my fellow nice guys should have a look at this.

.origins / if i was like that.

the name of this site, "masked transit." pays homage to all the stories that passed me by. when i lived in orlando, i would drive north to jacksonville from time to time to visit my parents... mainly, because i was out of food. at times, i would find myself driving at odd hours of the night. i'd never cease to see cars on the road. "where the hell are you people going?" i wondered a lot. sometimes, i'd even give them pretend back stories if they were keeping up with me for awhile. yeah, i'm a loser. anyhow, this site was to help record my own as well as to help develop my own writing skills.

i'm amazed that i've stuck with it, even with the lack of excitement. the thing is, i've seen and experienced a lot more than i've allowed to be published, there's 2 reasons for this: 1) i just couldn't find a way to spin the material to make it seem entertaining and 2) it's no one's business but my own. so if times seem empty, it's because i probably wanted to keep it to myself.

i looked back through some of my entries today. i'm astonished how much my technique has grown up. though i've lost some of my passion for updating, there's a few people i would like to genuinely share my thoughts and life with, and it seems like recent events are about to turn into a valuable piece of my life. so... onto the entry...
----------------------------------

i stopped over at docking station after class yesterday to have my weekly chat with my favorite couple. the problem was... they weren't a couple anymore. needless to say, i was shocked, and as for the circumstances, i was even more shocked.

the story in one sentance: she packed up, moved out of their apartment, and left him for someone that they both know online.

my jaw literally just dropped to the ground. that's usually what happens from being shocked too much (cartoons taught me that. cartoons are bad).

in any case, i was speechless. just last week, they were so lovey-dovey it was almost annoying... actually, it was annoying. i remember hearing some weird, agitating noises behind me while i sat at my laptop; it was them kissing. and now, i was sitting down and facing a guy who i thought deserved a freaking medal. we both looked down with the mutual sadness that guys do when life kicks our asses. there was no need for more details or sympathetic gestures. the silence said it all for us. however, conversation picked up abruptly and we were able to catch up despite that event behind us.

after i left, i thought about it a little more. how could anyone leave someone like him? he works his ass off, 50-60 hours a week, for the simplest pleasures of life. he's down to earth and holds my upmost respect as a friend. hell, i'd go out with him if was like that i just don't understand what could've happend. how do you leave someone who lets you live him and works his butt off to support both of you (for more than a year), for someone you haven't even met face to face? the other guy must be rich... and has a huge penis.

you bastard! i hope you never show your face around here! taking my friend's woman and having an elephant penis, you should be ashamed of yourself... bastard.

.daze and nights.

i haven't had a good sleep in the past couple of nights. i mean, look at my last entry... that's right, 12 hours ago. guess how much rest i got between then? yeah...

don't get me wrong. if any of you know me, it's that i love to sleep (read: pass out). as of late though, things have changed way too fast. it's really fucked me up mentally (i know typically i don't cuss, but it's a very drastic necessity right now). whenever i close my eyes, i start to envision the way things used to be, just like a week or two ago. but my brain knows it's not true and i snap out of my mirage faster than i would like to. i wake up an hour or so later from the time i knocked out... either confused, in denial, or a mix of both. take last night for example, i felt like i was being called out to. i remember being extremely happy about it, so i opened my eyes... that's where i got "dark shadow of your ceiling" from my last post. i'm having such a hard time concentrating on anything. i can't imagine what someone else would be feeling in my position.

.flaws.

as i've said before, i'm a dreamer. the main flaw of a dreamer, or floater, is single-mindedness; meaning that, when you envision something and it begins to materialize into what you want, nothing else matters. if the dream falls apart, what do you have left to fall on? the answer is nothing. it's an empty feeling in the hollow of your chest, like someone yanked out your soul. you can look at it like addiction and withdrawl perhaps.

however, your typical withdrawl is more in relation with mood swings or constant bitterness, where as mine is a state of hopelessness. none of this is without self-blame, though. which is where the majority this hurt rises from... regrets, second thoughts, "what ifs", then silence and the black shadow of your ceiling.

.letting go.

tonight was one of those nights that you hope to never see, one where everything you've worked at and put time into falls apart in an instant. i will not go into detail about what happend tonight, but that i've again failed at life. much to my ego's consent, i cannot blame any this on anyone else but myself. time, in all cases, is truly inevitable...

to everyone involved: no words can ever repair my damage. there's truly nothing i can say to make things right. all i can hope for is a droplet of forgiveness.

to everyone else: i do not push you away for some stupid reason. it's to save myself from having to face you and tell you that i can no longer be happy. from time to time, i find myself wishing for you to let go of me so that i can disappear in peace.

i suppose this is all a foreshadowing for when december comes. time will tell.

.butch fight.

J, is a very difficult person to describe. he's very closed-minded when it comes to another person's circumstances. don't get me wrong, he's a decent friend. however, when you turn against him, despite your reasons and even though he's done the same to you in the past over things less important, you're automatically his enemy. now, when i say enemy, i truly mean the general description of the word. he wants nothing to do with me right now, doesn't answer my calls, and most likely plotting how to torture my life, just because i didn't feel like going to the fucking movies.

and where was he when i tried to drag his ass out in the past? telling me he's not up for it...

did i tell him that he "was being a little bitch" for staying at home? no...
did i threaten him with bullshit like, "i'm coming to your house and telling your family you're gay."? no...
did i toss him out of my life over multiple instances like the one pre-descibed? absolutely not...

then what gives him the right to do that shit to me over this?

suddenly, i'm the bitch because i don't want to go out and sport your new car.

i'm tired of talking to you people who lack patience. selfish bastards.

.early morning gibberish.

it's 6am and i can't sleep. i wish i could blame it on some sort of life changing stressor or even a heart pounding dilemma, but i can't... it was a f'in mountain dew. so to kill time, i went on myspace to gaze upon a female population who would not so much be gazing back at me. during that short lived self-destructing moment, i thought about something that's been plauging my mind for that past few weeks... going to my true point of origin, the philippines. at the end this year, the younger parts of my family are making their way back to square one and i have the opportunity to join them. i haven't made up my mind whether i'll be attending or not, but the most likely answer is "yes, as long as there's air conditioning... and cheap cigarettes."

earlier this year, my dad "went home." i remember the car ride to the airport; he was pretty peppy despite his drowsy, poker faced expression. he kept going on and on about how i should "go home", how i should "visit home," about how i can find myself a good woman "back home". i couldn't help but wonder if that was his on his personal agenda. despite his early mood, i talked to him a week later and he couldn't seem to get over his new found boredom. way to advertise the fun, dad.

despite that event, i miss my grandpa. i haven't seen him in years and he sounds happy... i just want to make sure he is for sure. i am, however, bothered by the woman he's with... being with him for his money i'm sure. again, way to advertise the personality of the philippines, dad.

this is all still up in the air. i can't seem to make a decision. but if everything works out like i want it to, i'll be on my way.

now, time for sleep.

last night was a night of firsts, but mainly a night where i really enjoyed myself. the scene: a clean midnight at the san marco theatre, the plot: get drunk with a bunch of trekkies during a showing of star trek II: the return of kahn.

i had been to the san marco area once, long long ago. it's a beautiful spot surrounded by much of the dilapidation that all downtowns seem to acquire. it's been long the mainstay of jacksonville's artistic, with the focal point of a vintage, art deco movie house at its center.

but why? why spend a wonderful saturday night watching star trek? because, san marco theatre serves yeung-ling! only the best beer ever created by man. what could possibly be better than drinking and eating nachos during a corny movie? drinking and eating nachos during a corny movie with friends! yes, yelling "drink!" during overly dramatic scenes(which their seemed to be quite a lot of) is possibly the best feeling ever... next to make-up sex, of course.

live long and prosper... (struggles to make odd "V" gesture with his hand)

.faith.

i've never been a religious person. with so much science in the world, it's becoming increasingly difficult to rely on divinity to solve problems. for as long as i can remember, i've felt the weekly obligation of church to be more of a social chore than part of my spiritual well-being. a perfectly good sunday morning for sleep interrupted and dedicated to a defunct higher being. even all types of religious symbols on public property are outlawed, weakening the overall presence that religion plays on our lives.

today during easter mass, it was stated that the bond between jesus and his church are inseperable, that you can't believe one without the other. though i do lack in faith, i do believe in jesus... not for me, but for my loved ones... so that i know they have the opportunity to go to heaven. so if this is what it takes, i'll attend church on this fact alone. the thought of never being in the presence of those i've lost is a something i cannot live with.

(be safe, glenn)

.a loss for words.

in recent months i became aware of an increasing audience to my site. if anyone knows anything about me, it's that i hate speaking in public. and when i say public, i mean any kind of public... so i guess that means... anywhere? so anyhow, i'm not the most vocalized person in the world, but i could always turn to this little site for self expression.

that all changed when my cousins came running up to me... "omg eric!! you're such a good writer!!"

-_-;

so i've taken a time out... away from the attention. i thought of starting a new journal, but i don't want to be pushed out of my little corner just to satisfy my fears...

so, here i am. back and ready to let go of that inhibition when i can.

.2005 survey.

in tradition, as much as i hate answering questions, i figure this is a good time to look back...

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
sleep early.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont make resolutions. it's just another form of commitment that i'm just not ready for right now.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
fortunately, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
none.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a day to myself.

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 4th, it's when i made my final decission about vy and i

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
not backing down from what i knew was right, despite the concequences

9. What was your biggest failure?
getting a 2.2 gpa fall semester.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
a hernia and a broken tooth.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a paladin's elixir from docking station.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
glenn reyes. for doing what he felt is was the right decision for his life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
rainer's, for sticking with that girl.

14. Where did most of your money go?
tuition.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
i really didn't have anything to get excited about last year.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
... holla-back girl. *sigh*

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
more lost. (YES!)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
going out.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being sad.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family... and slightly buzzed.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
yes, but she's another world away, so i've ended up letting it go

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Conan O'brien, Iron Chef, Bleach

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
a handful of people.

26. What was the best book you read?
i read script to M. Butterfly written by David Henry Hwang

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
none. as you can see i havent updated my music page in two years.

28. What did you want and get?
support... a lot of support from my cousins.

29. What did you want and not get?
everything else.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Anchorman.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i spent it alone, i'm 24.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i could run away, rebuild, and chase my dreams without the guilt of crushing my parents expectations.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
fitted clothing until it's time for laundry... then i just wear whatever i have.

34. What kept you sane?
dirty habits and ffxi

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Conan O'brien. He's awesome. (i'm comfortable with my sexuality, dammit)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the ability for the government to spy on people without judicial clearance.

37. Who did you miss?
ben, tatung, and my mundane getaway in orlando

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Nina Tran (damn she's hot)... Cindy and Joey at starbucks... Bill and Oli at docking station...

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
if you really believe something is right, you need to stand by it, no matter the outcome.