.my fault.

dearest _________,

everyone has their problems. you give me words of admiration like i'm without faults, however that is far from the case. i'm opposite of you. my problem is that i don't know how to live for myself; meaning that, i lack all kinds of motivation to do anything for myself.

i take what's handed to me and i'm happy with it. i don't strive for anything bigger or better. i don't have the willpower to even stick with what i have established. it's a very nerve-racking trait of personality and even the downfall of my last relationship. i'm all talk. the only thing that really moves me is striving to make others around me content.

it doesnt sound as bad as it feels. every day has a staleness that doesn't end. it's depressing and i live with it because i have no desire to strive for anything more. i float through life hoping that something will happen without taking steps to make those opportunites happens.

"if you're not happy, just change." i can here her saying to me constantly.

"i've tried," is always reply, "and i can't."

of course i have goals, but as you said, goals are nothing if you don't move the ball. i took your advice and i started to move, but that's all it was... just a start. we're into febuaury now and i haven't done anything beyond that in weeks. it's embarrassing which is why i never bring it up. this is the way i am. the ugly side that refuses to live and just float through life. if this isn't a problem, then i don't know what is.

btw, gym class heroes will be in town on the 27th at freebird live.

.streetcar named december.

as i hussled away from the lit fuse on the $30 box of mayhem labeled "Blue Willows", i felt peace. standing at a safe distance, behind jen, the small, yet impressive explosions popped into brilliant colors through the air. a nice close to one of the most dramatic months i've ever had. december was full of highs and lows. it was so similar to a rollercoaster that i slept for 16 hours last night, recovering.

at the beginning of the month, i attended the jaguars game vs the colts with my family. i passed through the gates with a cynical mindset. 2 years ago against the same team, i watched my beloved football team fail to win a big game with a dismal performance. this year, however, they came to play. i'd never yelled so hard in my life. by the beginning of the second half, when jones-drew ran back the kickoff for a touchdown, i had lost my voice. the jags would go on to lose the rest of the season, but this win made the season wonderful for me, watching the legendary peyton manning falter in my hometown.

the next week i would break into tears. facing my parents with decisions already made, i broke their hearts. for all the bitching i do here, it doesn't change the unconditional love i have for my family. that love, however, is what inhibits me from ever taking the steps into the life i want to live. even though we shared the house, i became an exile. there were moments when someone would want to come into the kitchen while i was in there, but would proceed to turn around or avoid me all together. all i could think was how sorry i was for being a disappointment.

when christmas came around, things had settled somewhat, but whenever i piss off my dad it's always difficult to repair. i don't blame him, though. i find talking to children difficult, also. we hadn't said anything to each other over a week as we attended mass that day. even then my feelings of sadness and failure were still riding high. i expected a façade of a handshake from my dad when the priest called for peace. instead, i recieved a hug. an uncomfortably long one that i hadn't had in a long time. i could feel my guilt being squeezed out from my chest. i wish i could say that i didn't start to cry, but i did... dammit.

during this time, the chemistry between me and joe would tense a little. i started playing World of Warcraft a few months ago and finally hit the top level, 60. every night, all the 60's in the group we belong to go "raiding", basically devoting about 4 hours a night to clear a dungeon. well, after the thing with my parents, i wanted to take a break. i suppose he takes this as a "i don't want to spend time with you" type deal. i thought it was pretty funny until he started flipping out a bit and blaming me. that's why i don't date guys... anyhow, things are good now. guitar hero is an awesome bonding tool.

over the course of this time, i've been reconnecting with friends long gone. with that, jen has steadily been popping back into my life. she's been my rock for the past few weeks. i called her to thank her one day when i was really breaking down. she laughed, talking about how "it's supposed to be the other way around." hey, even rocks can break.

this past month caused so much turmoil that i started writing again. i've been doing a little photography with john, too, looking for some kind of escape. you can find that here, though i haven't updated it lately. then again, i haven't been updating much of anything, huh?

well, here's to the new year. may 2007 bring a little luck and a little passion with it...



1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
attempted real photography

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont make resolutions. it's just another form of commitment that i'm just not ready for right now.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
none.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
enthusiasm.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
december 15th. july 10th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
my first step forward.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not taking that step sooner.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
blue balls. extreme gamer's cramp.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
storage stuff. the 120GB HDD for $80.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
vy, for just being her tenacious self.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
has to be that trash named britney.

14. Where did most of your money go?
caffine and nicotine.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the end of 2006...

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Aya Hirano - Lost my Music
Slipknot - Vermillion, Pt.2

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
thankful.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
art.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
video games.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
asleep.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
yes. but i let her go, because my life is chaos.

23. How many one-night stands?
i don't do one-nighters.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
antiques roadshow. late night with conan o'brien

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
PostSecret.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
my appreciation for guitarists after several sessions of guitar hero.
rock ballads.

28. What did you want and get?
my camera to stop taking fuzzy pictures.

29. What did you want and not get?
an SLR camera.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Rocky Balboa.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i spent it with family, jen, and linda. i'm 25 now.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i had learned how to be a rock for myself sooner.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
"which of these doesn't smell that bad?".

34. What kept you sane?
dirty habits.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
conan o'brien. i'd totally have his babies.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the execution of saddam. he should've been treated like napoleon, but revenge is a bitch.

37. Who did you miss?
ben. nina.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
darrick from that dirty, dirty TN.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
drama is worthless.
love is unconditional.