.fUx0r3d.

tomorrow is my first test in calc... i'm fucked... later on is my first test in physics... i'm fucked... lol... the funny thing is that this is all i do... school. it's eaten away all of my time and i still can't perform on the level where i should be... i dont understand everything and i need to if i going to achieve anything substantial...

nervousness has set in and has caused me to rearrange my desk area. i am now able to rest my eyes from the computer by looking over at the TV... yeah, it's sad...

*sigh*

on a better note, vy's feeling good... that makes me feel good even though i'm sick. no other medicine i could ever ask for...

except maybe the kind where i never get sick in the first place, but that's kinda asking too much...

.paranoia? insomnia? diarrhea?.

i've caught insomnia again... i dont know what's wrong with me...

anyway, i'll tire myself by typing crap...

it's midway through the first month of 2004 and i find myself very... inert.

i've done everything i've set out to do so far... go to class, eat right, bike, limit smoking, etc. but i feel so unlike myself. it's just like that feeling you get when you know something's wrong; that you probably forgot something or just a certain uneasiness about an entire situation. it's buggin the hell out of me. in fact, that panic is what's got me doing all the crap i've wanted to... keeping myself busy and what-not. maybe it's the fact that taxes are coming up and i gotta lie to my parents again about how i havent been attending UCF for another year... that doctoring my forms will screw them over when we report our crap. $#*%, i wish i hadn't thought about that...

but that's not even it. i can tell. i feel very unlike the way i was when vy left. maybe the entire event we went through together put me in this crazy ass mood. maybe it's shock from almost having a dream shatter.

i dont think that's it either, but whatever it is, it's pissing me off and i'm starting to take it out on people... maybe it's those people? i dont know... but i'm finally sleepy... goodnight

.state of morning.

i havent forced myself to wake up this early on a constant basis in a long time. in fact, i've always had other people wake me because incapable of doing it on my own.

who's the big boy now?

not me! i can assure you of that... we'll see if i can survive the entire semester. in two years i havent attend a morning class so i'm a little out of the loop as far as sleeping "normally." the meantime, i'll be hoping someone drops calculus or physics so i can freaking reschedule.

.self sufficient.

i've been familiar with this particular can, (if you can even catergorize it as that), for as long as i can remember... and i tell you what... this is the single most awful packaging campaign in existence. it's so awful that libby herself refuses to comment on it.

.mass confusion.

i'm at a fuckin loss. i cant let her go. it's impossible. i spent the entire day wishing i could talk to her; i missed her so much. so much for a "break."

we talked today finally before she fell asleep. the longer the conversation went on the more upset i became. "how can she be so damn happy right now?" i keep thinking to myself. she must really have hated the way things were. but of course, so do i... but i wasnt stressed out knowing that somewhere in the world someone wanted to be with me. it was the source of my drive, dude; like gasoline, it made the well-oiled machine work.

i must sound like a desperate moron right now, but i'm fuckin tellin you that this emotion is damn real... i can feel it swelling in my heart. it's like a constant chest ache. to think i used could give a damn about a female and now i'm a broken mess over one. it's so awkward trying to hide feeling from a person who already knows and DOES NOT want to hear how i feel. it's as if i'm now in a one sided relationship because i still want it. no matter how ridiculous we were on the phone just to hear her made everything in life taste so much sweeter.



i hate this... i can't live like this... i'm so fucking alone it's fucking insane... nobody understands how the fuck i feel right now... i couldnt talk to someone if i wanted to because no one knows how to listen... UGH why the fuck can't i get a god damn break?!

."at this moment" (not done).

it wasnt my decision
it was all her vision
not to perserve
or hold on
our life with this long ass distance
and it's pain in it's purity
cruShin aspirations to obscurity
and all i have
is mindless re-security

people reassuring,
well they try
but all it does is magnify
the memories i've bottled inside
and they all glow brighter than the sun
all hurt more than guns
all cloud everything i've ever done

and achieved
at this moment
all i can see
accomplishments are nothing
cause all my dreams were leading to Vy


how do i redefine?
pickin up the pieces as they fall from behind
as i move on with the times
i'm so slow to recover
findin it hard to breath
it ache's from my head to my knees
i fall everytime i stand on my feet
god, i'm beggin you please
save me from insanity
endure my humanity
this shit is gettin so thick
i'm gettin so sick
from this lack of happiness
you gotta return my amenity
cause i'm reachin my capacity


i cant imagine another man
tryin to make plans
holdin on to your hand
and kissin you in them soft sands
you can call me insecure
but i'm for sure
that my love was nothing but pure
maybe you could never understand

i had so many hopes ridin on a great life
so many wishes that had you with me through the dark nights
and now it's all blight
all faded and gone
and all that's left for me,
are your things and these empty ass songs

but was i wrong to open my doors so wide?
was i wrong to let you get close and on the inside?
my heart is crackin from within, i'm fuckin pinned
i'm so stuck on the fact i may never see you again...


how do i redefine?
it's got me starin blankly to the west side
as my emotions collide
i'm so tired of longing
yearnin for another way
i'm so fuckin helpless
that i want to save us some day
god, i'm losing my mind
how could she put me
in this motherfuckin bind
how could she just toss me aside
after all this time
i dont want to feel like this ever again
enough to put myself to an end

.where is the love?.

maybe you should just disregard that last post... because i dont think things may turn around this time...

myself and vy took upon the almost impossible challange of running a long-distance relationship and for 2 and a half years it worked out okay; until yesterday...

the doubt and stress have takin it's toll on her and i dont think she's coming back...

i cant blame anyone but myself right now, though i shouldn't... but it's hard to place blame on someone you hold so much love and respect for...

this is turning out more crazy than i can handle; it's as though my emotion is completely drained, leaving no more similar than a wall. but for an hour i laid, recollecting memories in every fucking room of my apapartment... i mean, she just left sunday... it's only WEDNESDAY...

i'm in that "FUCK EVERYTHING" mood right now... i got no godforsaken pull, no options, and 50 pictures of her from my bedroom to on this stupid laptop.

i'm a 5'10" ball of every crap emotion right now and i hate it... i hate it enough to take it out on anyone who crosses me. i hate it so much because i threw everything i was into this relationship because i fuckin believed we could do it. i fuckin believed that our fuckin friends would be at a fuckin wedding talking about how we fuckin made it through this shity lifestyle to be with each other. i ESPECIALLY believed in Vy, the keystone of my dreams, that she loved me enough to put up with this bullshit.

apparently not...

she was my dream woman, man. the woman that i based every relationship i ever had and NONE stood up to her. I HAD FOUND HER, and lost her, and i can't do a fucking thing but watch this shit fade away. she dogged me, tested me, challanged me and now i dont ever get to god damn be with her.

a fuckin great way to start a year off, seeing my all my goals get dismantled in one fell swoop...

i'm going to fuckin bed... at least i can be somber laying down...