.origins / if i was like that.

the name of this site, "masked transit." pays homage to all the stories that passed me by. when i lived in orlando, i would drive north to jacksonville from time to time to visit my parents... mainly, because i was out of food. at times, i would find myself driving at odd hours of the night. i'd never cease to see cars on the road. "where the hell are you people going?" i wondered a lot. sometimes, i'd even give them pretend back stories if they were keeping up with me for awhile. yeah, i'm a loser. anyhow, this site was to help record my own as well as to help develop my own writing skills.

i'm amazed that i've stuck with it, even with the lack of excitement. the thing is, i've seen and experienced a lot more than i've allowed to be published, there's 2 reasons for this: 1) i just couldn't find a way to spin the material to make it seem entertaining and 2) it's no one's business but my own. so if times seem empty, it's because i probably wanted to keep it to myself.

i looked back through some of my entries today. i'm astonished how much my technique has grown up. though i've lost some of my passion for updating, there's a few people i would like to genuinely share my thoughts and life with, and it seems like recent events are about to turn into a valuable piece of my life. so... onto the entry...
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i stopped over at docking station after class yesterday to have my weekly chat with my favorite couple. the problem was... they weren't a couple anymore. needless to say, i was shocked, and as for the circumstances, i was even more shocked.

the story in one sentance: she packed up, moved out of their apartment, and left him for someone that they both know online.

my jaw literally just dropped to the ground. that's usually what happens from being shocked too much (cartoons taught me that. cartoons are bad).

in any case, i was speechless. just last week, they were so lovey-dovey it was almost annoying... actually, it was annoying. i remember hearing some weird, agitating noises behind me while i sat at my laptop; it was them kissing. and now, i was sitting down and facing a guy who i thought deserved a freaking medal. we both looked down with the mutual sadness that guys do when life kicks our asses. there was no need for more details or sympathetic gestures. the silence said it all for us. however, conversation picked up abruptly and we were able to catch up despite that event behind us.

after i left, i thought about it a little more. how could anyone leave someone like him? he works his ass off, 50-60 hours a week, for the simplest pleasures of life. he's down to earth and holds my upmost respect as a friend. hell, i'd go out with him if was like that i just don't understand what could've happend. how do you leave someone who lets you live him and works his butt off to support both of you (for more than a year), for someone you haven't even met face to face? the other guy must be rich... and has a huge penis.

you bastard! i hope you never show your face around here! taking my friend's woman and having an elephant penis, you should be ashamed of yourself... bastard.

.daze and nights.

i haven't had a good sleep in the past couple of nights. i mean, look at my last entry... that's right, 12 hours ago. guess how much rest i got between then? yeah...

don't get me wrong. if any of you know me, it's that i love to sleep (read: pass out). as of late though, things have changed way too fast. it's really fucked me up mentally (i know typically i don't cuss, but it's a very drastic necessity right now). whenever i close my eyes, i start to envision the way things used to be, just like a week or two ago. but my brain knows it's not true and i snap out of my mirage faster than i would like to. i wake up an hour or so later from the time i knocked out... either confused, in denial, or a mix of both. take last night for example, i felt like i was being called out to. i remember being extremely happy about it, so i opened my eyes... that's where i got "dark shadow of your ceiling" from my last post. i'm having such a hard time concentrating on anything. i can't imagine what someone else would be feeling in my position.

.flaws.

as i've said before, i'm a dreamer. the main flaw of a dreamer, or floater, is single-mindedness; meaning that, when you envision something and it begins to materialize into what you want, nothing else matters. if the dream falls apart, what do you have left to fall on? the answer is nothing. it's an empty feeling in the hollow of your chest, like someone yanked out your soul. you can look at it like addiction and withdrawl perhaps.

however, your typical withdrawl is more in relation with mood swings or constant bitterness, where as mine is a state of hopelessness. none of this is without self-blame, though. which is where the majority this hurt rises from... regrets, second thoughts, "what ifs", then silence and the black shadow of your ceiling.

.letting go.

tonight was one of those nights that you hope to never see, one where everything you've worked at and put time into falls apart in an instant. i will not go into detail about what happend tonight, but that i've again failed at life. much to my ego's consent, i cannot blame any this on anyone else but myself. time, in all cases, is truly inevitable...

to everyone involved: no words can ever repair my damage. there's truly nothing i can say to make things right. all i can hope for is a droplet of forgiveness.

to everyone else: i do not push you away for some stupid reason. it's to save myself from having to face you and tell you that i can no longer be happy. from time to time, i find myself wishing for you to let go of me so that i can disappear in peace.

i suppose this is all a foreshadowing for when december comes. time will tell.