I'm a pretty smart guy and a bit of a mentalist. I'm well versed in many philosophies. I weigh consequences before making actions, never planning to fail(read: control freak). I can read body language and subliminal messages and put together an understanding of your current state of mind without you talking to me directly.
So why is it that I can't seem to follow my own logic? I've become my own worst enemy. All the mental balance and forethought that I've prided myself on is failing me. I've become a bit of a bitch to my own emotions.
A major part of my mental stability is identifying the aspects of my life I can and cannot control. My own thought process should be within the parameters of control. Unfortunately, it is not. I find myself becoming unapproachable and short-tempered. These are reactive responses to deep seeded sadness. Through introspection, I know the cause and it is something I cannot control.
Logically, I know the answer; but no matter how many times I repeat it in my head, I find myself with pause, irking at the pain residing in my chest. I now battle a reoccurring anxiety and the gaping holes in my mental palisade; restless nightmares, second guessing, and over-thinking.
"Why? Why can I not come to terms with something so plain as day?"
My outside view is sound. My inside view is wrecked. I drink, even as I write this, just to numb the ridiculousness that's become my emotional standpoint. I blare the music that became the stepping stones of my patience, trying to catch a glimpse of what I've become as opposed to what I used to be.
Though, despite this inner rage, I have an understanding of where it stems from; my best friend... a connection... and the afterthoughts of nights gone by. At least I have that to work with...