in tradition, as much as i hate answering questions, i figure this is a good time to look back...
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
sleep early.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont make resolutions. it's just another form of commitment that i'm just not ready for right now.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
fortunately, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
none.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a day to myself.
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 4th, it's when i made my final decission about vy and i
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
not backing down from what i knew was right, despite the concequences
9. What was your biggest failure?
getting a 2.2 gpa fall semester.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
a hernia and a broken tooth.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
a paladin's elixir from docking station.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
glenn reyes. for doing what he felt is was the right decision for his life.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
rainer's, for sticking with that girl.
14. Where did most of your money go?
tuition.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
i really didn't have anything to get excited about last year.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
... holla-back girl. *sigh*
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
more lost. (YES!)
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
going out.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being sad.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family... and slightly buzzed.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
yes, but she's another world away, so i've ended up letting it go
23. How many one-night stands?
None.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Conan O'brien, Iron Chef, Bleach
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
a handful of people.
26. What was the best book you read?
i read script to M. Butterfly written by David Henry Hwang
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
none. as you can see i havent updated my music page in two years.
28. What did you want and get?
support... a lot of support from my cousins.
29. What did you want and not get?
everything else.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Anchorman.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i spent it alone, i'm 24.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i could run away, rebuild, and chase my dreams without the guilt of crushing my parents expectations.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
fitted clothing until it's time for laundry... then i just wear whatever i have.
34. What kept you sane?
dirty habits and ffxi
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Conan O'brien. He's awesome. (i'm comfortable with my sexuality, dammit)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the ability for the government to spy on people without judicial clearance.
37. Who did you miss?
ben, tatung, and my mundane getaway in orlando
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Nina Tran (damn she's hot)... Cindy and Joey at starbucks... Bill and Oli at docking station...
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
if you really believe something is right, you need to stand by it, no matter the outcome.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Saturday, December 31, 2005
.in the pursuit of substance.
substance - n. (as defined by trusty dictionary.com)
-That which has mass and occupies space; matter.
-A material of a particular kind or constitution.
- Essential nature; essence.
- Gist; heart.
whilst chatting with my dearest cousin over the past couple of weeks, she schooled me upon the subject of having substance. these are the intangibles, the bits and pieces of our personality that can attract, or disperse, others. as she raved on about how she keeps meeting guys who lack this mystified substance, i thought about my own personal... essence. what do i have to offer? what is it about me that attracts women? for the fact that i'm not attracting any women, i must not be offering much.
earlier today, while staring into my harshly-blunt yet comedic bathroom mirror, gazing at my stomach, i thought about it more...
"damn... look at all that substance... i'm freaking oozing with substance here!"
... and then i walked out of the bathroom, pouting.
-
-
- Essential nature; essence.
- Gist; heart.
whilst chatting with my dearest cousin over the past couple of weeks, she schooled me upon the subject of having substance. these are the intangibles, the bits and pieces of our personality that can attract, or disperse, others. as she raved on about how she keeps meeting guys who lack this mystified substance, i thought about my own personal... essence. what do i have to offer? what is it about me that attracts women? for the fact that i'm not attracting any women, i must not be offering much.
earlier today, while staring into my harshly-blunt yet comedic bathroom mirror, gazing at my stomach, i thought about it more...
"damn... look at all that substance... i'm freaking oozing with substance here!"
... and then i walked out of the bathroom, pouting.
Monday, November 28, 2005
.letter.
dearest ____,
i am not what you want. over the past few months, i had come to that conclusion. i confess it here on a public forum, to the world, that i am not "man" enough for you, in hopes that it may ease some of the tension between you and i. everything in your email was true. the things you said about how i didn't do anything for you is true. a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, and in the end, i believe that i did not hold up my half of that responsibility. i've always wanted the best for you... and i am not that.
of course i thought about a life with you again, ____. it was, hands down, the greatest experience of my life, to present date. however, there are aspects of my personality that i am unwilling to change. they are parts of me that we have quarreled over before, and i believe that time is emminant to repeat itself if we continued the way we did. i feel that our seperation is better, definitely for you, in the long run.
i am still a child and you are blooming into the woman that you dreamed of being all your life. i cannot sit idle and pull you down, letting you believe that you are happy with me, when in reality, i know you've always felt the opposite; having to constantly push me onward in life. there were times when you needed saving, when i, quite possibly, am the last person on earth who could.
i counter every possible hope with a cliché: "It's not you, it's me." and that is what i will always believe. i wish you the best and a piece of my heart will always belong to you, cheering you on. i appreciate your efforts to contact me; i do see that you've called... i just feel like the things we're going to say will only complicate our resolves. i'm sorry if it felt like i abandoned you when you needed support, but i upheld my silence for multiple reasons, most of which, have been stated over time. the last thing you need from me are more head games, and i hope this will clarify anything left withstanding, so that you may move on to something better.
sincerely yours,
eric b
i am not what you want. over the past few months, i had come to that conclusion. i confess it here on a public forum, to the world, that i am not "man" enough for you, in hopes that it may ease some of the tension between you and i. everything in your email was true. the things you said about how i didn't do anything for you is true. a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, and in the end, i believe that i did not hold up my half of that responsibility. i've always wanted the best for you... and i am not that.
of course i thought about a life with you again, ____. it was, hands down, the greatest experience of my life, to present date. however, there are aspects of my personality that i am unwilling to change. they are parts of me that we have quarreled over before, and i believe that time is emminant to repeat itself if we continued the way we did. i feel that our seperation is better, definitely for you, in the long run.
i am still a child and you are blooming into the woman that you dreamed of being all your life. i cannot sit idle and pull you down, letting you believe that you are happy with me, when in reality, i know you've always felt the opposite; having to constantly push me onward in life. there were times when you needed saving, when i, quite possibly, am the last person on earth who could.
i counter every possible hope with a cliché: "It's not you, it's me." and that is what i will always believe. i wish you the best and a piece of my heart will always belong to you, cheering you on. i appreciate your efforts to contact me; i do see that you've called... i just feel like the things we're going to say will only complicate our resolves. i'm sorry if it felt like i abandoned you when you needed support, but i upheld my silence for multiple reasons, most of which, have been stated over time. the last thing you need from me are more head games, and i hope this will clarify anything left withstanding, so that you may move on to something better.
sincerely yours,
eric b
Friday, October 14, 2005
.a cold night.
last night was the first cold night i've experienced since march.
the holidays are approaching... fast.
as i stared into the night sky, i thought about a lot things... mainly how i've put everything with vy aside for the sake of moving on. i thought about how my cousin put aside her relationship, for the sake of being free... remembering what it was like to live, not for someone else's happiness, but for her own. just before my birthday, vy and i got into an arguement. it turned into a total mess and i did not need to hear it. instead of understanding, she tried to force a situation... and that was my last straw. over five years, i took many actions that i would not have done alone. i've had enough of my submissive nature.
that was two weeks ago. i haven't talked to her since. i dobbled over another cigarettes, enjoying the freshness of a cool breeze clipping my lack of hair.
even to now, she couldn't accept me... only putting me down in hopes that i can change. she refused to see the bigger picture of why i cannot change things right now. the daily pressure to become something great. being the only bright spot in a broken home. i didn't need an opinion in my life, i needed a friend.
i walked back inside the house, wishing that i could sit on the patio that doesn't exist anymore and enjoy the night.
how could i truly open to someone that would criticize me? does she want me to be happy or mold me into something else? all i have left is to finish school and establish the life i want to live... for me.
i love fall and winter. i wish it would last.
the holidays are approaching... fast.
as i stared into the night sky, i thought about a lot things... mainly how i've put everything with vy aside for the sake of moving on. i thought about how my cousin put aside her relationship, for the sake of being free... remembering what it was like to live, not for someone else's happiness, but for her own. just before my birthday, vy and i got into an arguement. it turned into a total mess and i did not need to hear it. instead of understanding, she tried to force a situation... and that was my last straw. over five years, i took many actions that i would not have done alone. i've had enough of my submissive nature.
that was two weeks ago. i haven't talked to her since. i dobbled over another cigarettes, enjoying the freshness of a cool breeze clipping my lack of hair.
even to now, she couldn't accept me... only putting me down in hopes that i can change. she refused to see the bigger picture of why i cannot change things right now. the daily pressure to become something great. being the only bright spot in a broken home. i didn't need an opinion in my life, i needed a friend.
i walked back inside the house, wishing that i could sit on the patio that doesn't exist anymore and enjoy the night.
how could i truly open to someone that would criticize me? does she want me to be happy or mold me into something else? all i have left is to finish school and establish the life i want to live... for me.
i love fall and winter. i wish it would last.
Monday, October 10, 2005
.to be.
i've wanted to be a lot of things in my life: a firefighter, an astronaut, a musician, an engineer, a dinosaur, a ninja turtle, superman. but in the past few years i've turned my imagination to writing. while in grade school, i learned the somewhat useless science of english... nouns, subjects, predicates, verb tense, proper english. however my revelation came to me in the form of mr. white. the lessons i recieved from the aging harvard grad at valencia were monumentous to my outlook on writing.
"language is what you make it"
"if you can't find a word that fits, make it up"
"paint and portray"
the critisism that came after i passed his class, with an "A" no less(the only "A" i've ever recieved in any english class), was to be expected. i can write bland emotionless garbage any day of the week, but what makes an essay is opinion and style. every paper i've written since has had a "B" or less, regardless of the subject matter. though with poor markings, my proses were enjoyed, and that means more to me than any grade i could recieve.
recently, i recieved an "F" on the transmitter i constructed in lab, "F" for faulty, due to a wiring job equivalent to that of a man with no apendages could have achieved. after which, i began reconsidering my current position as an engineering student. i muled over my talents, or lack there of. and the only real praise i've received of late is on my writing(my music, also, but that seems to be more out of pity than appreciation... dammit).
so here i am, vexed and unsupported with whichever choice i make, but free to choose and that's all i could ever ask for. in the mean time, i'm enjoying this.
"language is what you make it"
"if you can't find a word that fits, make it up"
"paint and portray"
the critisism that came after i passed his class, with an "A" no less(the only "A" i've ever recieved in any english class), was to be expected. i can write bland emotionless garbage any day of the week, but what makes an essay is opinion and style. every paper i've written since has had a "B" or less, regardless of the subject matter. though with poor markings, my proses were enjoyed, and that means more to me than any grade i could recieve.
recently, i recieved an "F" on the transmitter i constructed in lab, "F" for faulty, due to a wiring job equivalent to that of a man with no apendages could have achieved. after which, i began reconsidering my current position as an engineering student. i muled over my talents, or lack there of. and the only real praise i've received of late is on my writing(my music, also, but that seems to be more out of pity than appreciation... dammit).
so here i am, vexed and unsupported with whichever choice i make, but free to choose and that's all i could ever ask for. in the mean time, i'm enjoying this.