i've never been a religious person. with so much science in the world, it's becoming increasingly difficult to rely on divinity to solve problems. for as long as i can remember, i've felt the weekly obligation of church to be more of a social chore than part of my spiritual well-being. a perfectly good sunday morning for sleep interrupted and dedicated to a defunct higher being. even all types of religious symbols on public property are outlawed, weakening the overall presence that religion plays on our lives.
today during easter mass, it was stated that the bond between jesus and his church are inseperable, that you can't believe one without the other. though i do lack in faith, i do believe in jesus... not for me, but for my loved ones... so that i know they have the opportunity to go to heaven. so if this is what it takes, i'll attend church on this fact alone. the thought of never being in the presence of those i've lost is a something i cannot live with.
(be safe, glenn)
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
.a loss for words.
in recent months i became aware of an increasing audience to my site. if anyone knows anything about me, it's that i hate speaking in public. and when i say public, i mean any kind of public... so i guess that means... anywhere? so anyhow, i'm not the most vocalized person in the world, but i could always turn to this little site for self expression.
that all changed when my cousins came running up to me... "omg eric!! you're such a good writer!!"
-_-;
so i've taken a time out... away from the attention. i thought of starting a new journal, but i don't want to be pushed out of my little corner just to satisfy my fears...
so, here i am. back and ready to let go of that inhibition when i can.
that all changed when my cousins came running up to me... "omg eric!! you're such a good writer!!"
-_-;
so i've taken a time out... away from the attention. i thought of starting a new journal, but i don't want to be pushed out of my little corner just to satisfy my fears...
so, here i am. back and ready to let go of that inhibition when i can.
Monday, January 09, 2006
.2005 survey.
in tradition, as much as i hate answering questions, i figure this is a good time to look back...
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
sleep early.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont make resolutions. it's just another form of commitment that i'm just not ready for right now.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
fortunately, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
none.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a day to myself.
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 4th, it's when i made my final decission about vy and i
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
not backing down from what i knew was right, despite the concequences
9. What was your biggest failure?
getting a 2.2 gpa fall semester.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
a hernia and a broken tooth.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
a paladin's elixir from docking station.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
glenn reyes. for doing what he felt is was the right decision for his life.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
rainer's, for sticking with that girl.
14. Where did most of your money go?
tuition.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
i really didn't have anything to get excited about last year.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
... holla-back girl. *sigh*
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
more lost. (YES!)
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
going out.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being sad.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family... and slightly buzzed.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
yes, but she's another world away, so i've ended up letting it go
23. How many one-night stands?
None.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Conan O'brien, Iron Chef, Bleach
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
a handful of people.
26. What was the best book you read?
i read script to M. Butterfly written by David Henry Hwang
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
none. as you can see i havent updated my music page in two years.
28. What did you want and get?
support... a lot of support from my cousins.
29. What did you want and not get?
everything else.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Anchorman.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i spent it alone, i'm 24.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i could run away, rebuild, and chase my dreams without the guilt of crushing my parents expectations.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
fitted clothing until it's time for laundry... then i just wear whatever i have.
34. What kept you sane?
dirty habits and ffxi
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Conan O'brien. He's awesome. (i'm comfortable with my sexuality, dammit)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the ability for the government to spy on people without judicial clearance.
37. Who did you miss?
ben, tatung, and my mundane getaway in orlando
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Nina Tran (damn she's hot)... Cindy and Joey at starbucks... Bill and Oli at docking station...
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
if you really believe something is right, you need to stand by it, no matter the outcome.
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
sleep early.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont make resolutions. it's just another form of commitment that i'm just not ready for right now.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
fortunately, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
none.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a day to myself.
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 4th, it's when i made my final decission about vy and i
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
not backing down from what i knew was right, despite the concequences
9. What was your biggest failure?
getting a 2.2 gpa fall semester.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
a hernia and a broken tooth.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
a paladin's elixir from docking station.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
glenn reyes. for doing what he felt is was the right decision for his life.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
rainer's, for sticking with that girl.
14. Where did most of your money go?
tuition.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
i really didn't have anything to get excited about last year.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
... holla-back girl. *sigh*
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
more lost. (YES!)
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
going out.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being sad.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family... and slightly buzzed.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
yes, but she's another world away, so i've ended up letting it go
23. How many one-night stands?
None.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Conan O'brien, Iron Chef, Bleach
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
a handful of people.
26. What was the best book you read?
i read script to M. Butterfly written by David Henry Hwang
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
none. as you can see i havent updated my music page in two years.
28. What did you want and get?
support... a lot of support from my cousins.
29. What did you want and not get?
everything else.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Anchorman.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i spent it alone, i'm 24.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i could run away, rebuild, and chase my dreams without the guilt of crushing my parents expectations.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
fitted clothing until it's time for laundry... then i just wear whatever i have.
34. What kept you sane?
dirty habits and ffxi
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Conan O'brien. He's awesome. (i'm comfortable with my sexuality, dammit)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the ability for the government to spy on people without judicial clearance.
37. Who did you miss?
ben, tatung, and my mundane getaway in orlando
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Nina Tran (damn she's hot)... Cindy and Joey at starbucks... Bill and Oli at docking station...
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
if you really believe something is right, you need to stand by it, no matter the outcome.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
.in the pursuit of substance.
substance - n. (as defined by trusty dictionary.com)
-That which has mass and occupies space; matter.
-A material of a particular kind or constitution.
- Essential nature; essence.
- Gist; heart.
whilst chatting with my dearest cousin over the past couple of weeks, she schooled me upon the subject of having substance. these are the intangibles, the bits and pieces of our personality that can attract, or disperse, others. as she raved on about how she keeps meeting guys who lack this mystified substance, i thought about my own personal... essence. what do i have to offer? what is it about me that attracts women? for the fact that i'm not attracting any women, i must not be offering much.
earlier today, while staring into my harshly-blunt yet comedic bathroom mirror, gazing at my stomach, i thought about it more...
"damn... look at all that substance... i'm freaking oozing with substance here!"
... and then i walked out of the bathroom, pouting.
-
-
- Essential nature; essence.
- Gist; heart.
whilst chatting with my dearest cousin over the past couple of weeks, she schooled me upon the subject of having substance. these are the intangibles, the bits and pieces of our personality that can attract, or disperse, others. as she raved on about how she keeps meeting guys who lack this mystified substance, i thought about my own personal... essence. what do i have to offer? what is it about me that attracts women? for the fact that i'm not attracting any women, i must not be offering much.
earlier today, while staring into my harshly-blunt yet comedic bathroom mirror, gazing at my stomach, i thought about it more...
"damn... look at all that substance... i'm freaking oozing with substance here!"
... and then i walked out of the bathroom, pouting.
Monday, November 28, 2005
.letter.
dearest ____,
i am not what you want. over the past few months, i had come to that conclusion. i confess it here on a public forum, to the world, that i am not "man" enough for you, in hopes that it may ease some of the tension between you and i. everything in your email was true. the things you said about how i didn't do anything for you is true. a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, and in the end, i believe that i did not hold up my half of that responsibility. i've always wanted the best for you... and i am not that.
of course i thought about a life with you again, ____. it was, hands down, the greatest experience of my life, to present date. however, there are aspects of my personality that i am unwilling to change. they are parts of me that we have quarreled over before, and i believe that time is emminant to repeat itself if we continued the way we did. i feel that our seperation is better, definitely for you, in the long run.
i am still a child and you are blooming into the woman that you dreamed of being all your life. i cannot sit idle and pull you down, letting you believe that you are happy with me, when in reality, i know you've always felt the opposite; having to constantly push me onward in life. there were times when you needed saving, when i, quite possibly, am the last person on earth who could.
i counter every possible hope with a cliché: "It's not you, it's me." and that is what i will always believe. i wish you the best and a piece of my heart will always belong to you, cheering you on. i appreciate your efforts to contact me; i do see that you've called... i just feel like the things we're going to say will only complicate our resolves. i'm sorry if it felt like i abandoned you when you needed support, but i upheld my silence for multiple reasons, most of which, have been stated over time. the last thing you need from me are more head games, and i hope this will clarify anything left withstanding, so that you may move on to something better.
sincerely yours,
eric b
i am not what you want. over the past few months, i had come to that conclusion. i confess it here on a public forum, to the world, that i am not "man" enough for you, in hopes that it may ease some of the tension between you and i. everything in your email was true. the things you said about how i didn't do anything for you is true. a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, and in the end, i believe that i did not hold up my half of that responsibility. i've always wanted the best for you... and i am not that.
of course i thought about a life with you again, ____. it was, hands down, the greatest experience of my life, to present date. however, there are aspects of my personality that i am unwilling to change. they are parts of me that we have quarreled over before, and i believe that time is emminant to repeat itself if we continued the way we did. i feel that our seperation is better, definitely for you, in the long run.
i am still a child and you are blooming into the woman that you dreamed of being all your life. i cannot sit idle and pull you down, letting you believe that you are happy with me, when in reality, i know you've always felt the opposite; having to constantly push me onward in life. there were times when you needed saving, when i, quite possibly, am the last person on earth who could.
i counter every possible hope with a cliché: "It's not you, it's me." and that is what i will always believe. i wish you the best and a piece of my heart will always belong to you, cheering you on. i appreciate your efforts to contact me; i do see that you've called... i just feel like the things we're going to say will only complicate our resolves. i'm sorry if it felt like i abandoned you when you needed support, but i upheld my silence for multiple reasons, most of which, have been stated over time. the last thing you need from me are more head games, and i hope this will clarify anything left withstanding, so that you may move on to something better.
sincerely yours,
eric b