.butch fight.

J, is a very difficult person to describe. he's very closed-minded when it comes to another person's circumstances. don't get me wrong, he's a decent friend. however, when you turn against him, despite your reasons and even though he's done the same to you in the past over things less important, you're automatically his enemy. now, when i say enemy, i truly mean the general description of the word. he wants nothing to do with me right now, doesn't answer my calls, and most likely plotting how to torture my life, just because i didn't feel like going to the fucking movies.

and where was he when i tried to drag his ass out in the past? telling me he's not up for it...

did i tell him that he "was being a little bitch" for staying at home? no...
did i threaten him with bullshit like, "i'm coming to your house and telling your family you're gay."? no...
did i toss him out of my life over multiple instances like the one pre-descibed? absolutely not...

then what gives him the right to do that shit to me over this?

suddenly, i'm the bitch because i don't want to go out and sport your new car.

i'm tired of talking to you people who lack patience. selfish bastards.

.early morning gibberish.

it's 6am and i can't sleep. i wish i could blame it on some sort of life changing stressor or even a heart pounding dilemma, but i can't... it was a f'in mountain dew. so to kill time, i went on myspace to gaze upon a female population who would not so much be gazing back at me. during that short lived self-destructing moment, i thought about something that's been plauging my mind for that past few weeks... going to my true point of origin, the philippines. at the end this year, the younger parts of my family are making their way back to square one and i have the opportunity to join them. i haven't made up my mind whether i'll be attending or not, but the most likely answer is "yes, as long as there's air conditioning... and cheap cigarettes."

earlier this year, my dad "went home." i remember the car ride to the airport; he was pretty peppy despite his drowsy, poker faced expression. he kept going on and on about how i should "go home", how i should "visit home," about how i can find myself a good woman "back home". i couldn't help but wonder if that was his on his personal agenda. despite his early mood, i talked to him a week later and he couldn't seem to get over his new found boredom. way to advertise the fun, dad.

despite that event, i miss my grandpa. i haven't seen him in years and he sounds happy... i just want to make sure he is for sure. i am, however, bothered by the woman he's with... being with him for his money i'm sure. again, way to advertise the personality of the philippines, dad.

this is all still up in the air. i can't seem to make a decision. but if everything works out like i want it to, i'll be on my way.

now, time for sleep.

last night was a night of firsts, but mainly a night where i really enjoyed myself. the scene: a clean midnight at the san marco theatre, the plot: get drunk with a bunch of trekkies during a showing of star trek II: the return of kahn.

i had been to the san marco area once, long long ago. it's a beautiful spot surrounded by much of the dilapidation that all downtowns seem to acquire. it's been long the mainstay of jacksonville's artistic, with the focal point of a vintage, art deco movie house at its center.

but why? why spend a wonderful saturday night watching star trek? because, san marco theatre serves yeung-ling! only the best beer ever created by man. what could possibly be better than drinking and eating nachos during a corny movie? drinking and eating nachos during a corny movie with friends! yes, yelling "drink!" during overly dramatic scenes(which their seemed to be quite a lot of) is possibly the best feeling ever... next to make-up sex, of course.

live long and prosper... (struggles to make odd "V" gesture with his hand)

.faith.

i've never been a religious person. with so much science in the world, it's becoming increasingly difficult to rely on divinity to solve problems. for as long as i can remember, i've felt the weekly obligation of church to be more of a social chore than part of my spiritual well-being. a perfectly good sunday morning for sleep interrupted and dedicated to a defunct higher being. even all types of religious symbols on public property are outlawed, weakening the overall presence that religion plays on our lives.

today during easter mass, it was stated that the bond between jesus and his church are inseperable, that you can't believe one without the other. though i do lack in faith, i do believe in jesus... not for me, but for my loved ones... so that i know they have the opportunity to go to heaven. so if this is what it takes, i'll attend church on this fact alone. the thought of never being in the presence of those i've lost is a something i cannot live with.

(be safe, glenn)

.a loss for words.

in recent months i became aware of an increasing audience to my site. if anyone knows anything about me, it's that i hate speaking in public. and when i say public, i mean any kind of public... so i guess that means... anywhere? so anyhow, i'm not the most vocalized person in the world, but i could always turn to this little site for self expression.

that all changed when my cousins came running up to me... "omg eric!! you're such a good writer!!"

-_-;

so i've taken a time out... away from the attention. i thought of starting a new journal, but i don't want to be pushed out of my little corner just to satisfy my fears...

so, here i am. back and ready to let go of that inhibition when i can.