.the revolving door.

i don't know what keeps drawing me back here. i come and i pick at the snippets at time gone by. i second guess and i critique my past life from the future like some monday morning sports commentator.

now that i think about it, it gives me comfort knowing that i was immature once. maybe i actually miss those days of invulnerability. back when i was more into... myself.

the world, my world, has become so big now that i lose myself staring upwards. my own life's become so small that i forget to even take care of myself. daily agendas and priorities take precedence to eating or a full night's sleep on many occasions. C.R.E.A.M.

there are times, like tonight, when i wish i could go back. even if i were to make the same choices and mistakes. even if i were to relive hardship and strife. i wish i could go back and just live.

the funny part about it is, is that i don't really miss the past, per se. i miss the experiences.

the more things change, the more they stay the same... 4am and i'm still up, after all these years.

.unchanging chaos.

in the midst of boredom, i browsed through one of the more popular networking sites just to see who i could find. i ended up finding a section with my high school graduating class. as i click-flipped through the 24 pages of people i pretended to know, i thought about how far we've all come.

there was much digital evidence of success amongst my peers; personal pictures in business attire, of offspring still dowsed in innocence, of those in the wars that i strongly criticized from my living room couch. for a brief moment, i was ashamed of what it was i had become... a man without a story.

during this whole escapade into a self-judgmental session, em was speaking to me about what mattered to her. as my half-hearted rebuttals began to irritate her, i explained what i was actually doing. somehow she understood. we ended up talking about something else when i realized that i didn't actually care about the people i was looking at and that these twangs of jealousy were no more than just a moment of patience slipping past my better judgment.

when i realized what was actually bothering me, and when i came to grips with my own reality, and when my dog took a piss in the corner, i smiled.

.to the ds.

There are no signs that i lost a piece of myself early monday morning as i drunkenly staggered back into the florida humidity. Well, there was one sign of significance: "Goodbye. We miss you already." The world keeps turning and all that's left to me is the debris. But with this lackluster heart i say goodbye to my second home. My personal staging ground for pick-me-ups, put-downs, time killings, various rendezvous, and above all, where i was able to be myself when i was at my most melancholic.

In a time with faceless fronts and actless hacks, the docking station is where i found sanctuary. Admist artists, gays, nerds, bottom-dwellers, addicts, wannabes, and fanatics, i sat comfortably as your "asian guy" and lavished within this secluded community. And for this, everyone who kept her running for this long has my eternal gratitude as well as the memories.

Like a right of passage, we embark into the unknown, but we never forget the time we had. Thank you.

.full frontal.

this morning i stared at myself in the mirror. though i was late for my meeting, i had to stop. a lot of people have been telling me how i've lost weight, telling me how much better i look.

it seems i'm coming together physically, but mentally i haven't changed. i feel like my appearance is a direct result of that.

the creativity, the passion to expand my own thinking, gone. all those vivid visions are now overlapped by my mental impotence and several bills. a shell of my former self, i jot down ideas, lay down tracks for my train of thought, but despite my best efforts i leave it all unfinished.

it's frustrating. i go back and read the beginnings. it all seemed so clear back then. sometimes, i don't eat because my heart and my mind feel so heavy. it's taken me three days alone to put this lame entry together.

you know what my real problem is? i don't know how to wear my grief gracefully.

.helpless.

i have a friend who's been down and out lately. recently divorced, lost his daughter to her, lost his job, his car, too, plus struggling to make rent. great guy with terrible luck. despite these things, he manages to keep going to school.

Pally: "I still don't get why you're helping me out."
Me: "Sometimes we all need it."
Pally: "That's true... but it just feels weird, you know?"
Me: "Yeah, I know. But it's cool, man. I got you covered whenever I can."
Pally: "... are you gay?"
Me: "What the hell..."
Pally: "Sorry, man. I'm just trying to make sense of it."
Me: "Look... I try to help others because I don't know how to help myself."
Pally: "I see... you sure you're not gay?"
Me: "... oh, you wanted to walk? Let me just stop here then."
Pally: "Touché."