.confessions.

for labor day weekend, i took a trip to orlando with my family. despite their best efforts, i insisted on driving; not so i could play loud music, not so i had an opportunity to smoke, not so that i can blame my dad for driving slow, but for a whole other reason that remains secret with the exception of a select few.

it all started in high school when i had my first car accident... and then my second accident... and then my third... and when i went to college and had another accident at a yield sign... and then another during a light, drizzling rain... and then being involved in three more accidents within the cars of my friends. you see, i've experienced the not-so-joyous laws of physics eight times too many and the effects have left me... twitchy.

for example... the other day, i rode with joseph, who is fully aware of my fear of being a passanger, to buy chinese for dinner. it was raining pretty bad, so i paniced and covered my eyes whenever i saw break lights flash from the traffic ahead and not feeling joseph's car slow down. completely annoyed(and for personal enjoyment of watching my squirm), he began speeding, tail-gating, and braking as hard as possible. i am proud to say i didn't scream this time, but my ability to yell streams of profanity was uninhibited.

some have called it a trust issue. this problem has nothing to do with trust, dammit; this is a "i don't want whiplash, see you lose your car, and stand around for hours waiting for the police to show up while others slow down traffic just to take a glance at our discomfort" issue. the only cure i've found so far is driving my own car... or closing my eyes during the scary parts.

trip notes:
- my cousins know how to talk shit
- evidentally, florida is the worst place to live
- even if they are in the same room, my parents will still watch 2 TVs
- i can trash a home in less than 36 hours
- you can push any object with your car as long as you keep it under 3 miles an hour
- now that the blue tape(hot lava) is gone from the stairs, it's now deemed "normal lava"
- i told you we should've gone to bahama breeze...

.belonging.

today was odd, by my standards. i spent the day looking for faces that i could recognize, someone that i could strike a conversation with... but, alas, no complextion struck my memory banks. i guess it started this afternoon when i stopped by starbucks. as i walked in, i noticed that i was the only person without a pair; truly single... out of the loop, i guess you could call it. as i sat, sipping my ice with coffee, i thought about calling my friends during that desperate moment of loneliness. after flipping through my phonebook, it dawned on me that i'm the only one who wasn't at work right then...

*sigh*

going about the day i continued to look at people, occassionaly smiling at a girl or two... at a guy or two... i have no motivation to make new friends, no motivation to network... but today i feel like i'm missing out on something bigger. i'm missing that feeling of belonging to a group. i miss my days of VP, lego, jefferson commons, -ness crew... even as far back as playing outside with the kids of monument oaks... if i went outside and played with the kids now, my neighbors would call me a pervert and i'd be arrested.

there's a little boy in the world right now named Jason who wishes for the same thing i do. though he's a little too young to understand why he feels that way, he's fully aware that he's lonely judging by the things that he says. so i suppose all of us, no matter our age, seek that feeling to belong, whether it be family, a circle of friends, and whatnot. for me at this time, i can't say that i'm wanting a crew to hang out with, but it wouldn't hurt.

.the more things change.

it's been a year now since i made the trek back to my old stomping(or at the least, lightly tapping) grounds. even though i've changed my surroundings, my atmosphere, and even though i've gone through some major events in my 23 and 5/6ths years on this world, i'm still the same quiet little boy who likes to have a proportional amount of rice with his food...

i'd like to apologize to everyone whom i have some sort of relationship with. for the past few month i've shut myself out from all of you. the truth is that i am sad with where i currently stand in society's blind eye. no little child this day and age pictures himself at age 24, depending on his parents for sustenance... nope, i always thought i would be an astronaut, or even a fireman by now. anyhow, to accomplish my goals with a clear mind, i've put aside all my friends to concentrate on what is best for me. to all of you who call me on a daily basis(vy, john, darkness, josef), i thank you for your concern, and i assure you that as long as i have my gamecube, i'll be ok (which reminds me, the new madden game is out, i need to go get that >_<).

so now you all know, right now i hate my life and i'm doing what i can to change it.

well, time to talk about something else...

for as long as i can remember, treating the lawn of my parents' home has always been the gauntlet. with the infestation of insects, the lack of shade, the thickness and sheer amount of grass, the quicksand-like potholes, and the fact that all this is on a fucking hill, makes the entire process of cutting it ridiculously slow and intolerable, not to mention that at this time of year, florida weather makes this a weekly torture. now, in recent months, there has been construction at our home which had almost immediately destroyed my young adulthood bane... but all of it has now been replaced with a endless growth of crap... continuous, ridiculous amounts of plants... all of it is weeds and i'd say 70% of the lawn is about knee-high... well, i'm 5'10", so knee-high means that you can take your 3-year-old on a safari adventure around my house, just make sure he/she stay's away from the 5% of the lawn that's at eye-level... fucking EYE-LEVEL... there are rumors that they eat children, so keep them away, or don't, but i take absolutely no responsibilty for the actions of the man-eating plants.

you know, all this could have been avoided if we had owned a lawn mower, but now it's too late... armed with only a weed whacker, i battle these green hordes on a bi-daily basis, however the endless amount of rain fall only brings them back to their original form in a week...

*sigh*

Now Open: Banias Residential Children's Safari! No cover charge! Come visit us from sunrise to sunset! Ask for your free path-making machete at the door!

*sightseeing is at participants' own risk. residents take no responsibility for lost possessions, including lost/eaten children due to giant insects or man-eating plants*

.self discovery.

(after a long battle with procrastination, we've come to terms and have decided to blow up the entire template =/ )

i had never noticed until a couple of days ago that the bathroom is where i'm the most myself; my true form, if you will. stark naked with only the unswaying truth of my reflection, i am the world's best dancer, foremost body builder, and/or just a funny-faced giggling idiot... depending on the type of day i'm having.

alone and within a private sanctuary, i believe this is where all of us find out the inner workings of personality. i'd just like to point that out for the next time you're in the bathroom and you catch yourself doing something you don't normally do in public, that's really yourself and don't ever deny it... *flex*

(LOL i'm looking at the last post i made... i guess by a "few days" i meant a month by my terms...)

.summer break.

i'm taking a few days off... i'm in the process of coding another layout... hopefully be done in the coming week or so (if anyone cares >.>)... trying to be snazzy and crap like that *shrug*

personal note:
"i'm not going to compromise my position..."
photoshop needs to go on laptop after reformat
don't fuck up