.the 18th is always a charm.

(alternatively titled "Pour vous. Je veux que vous sachiez.")

i closed my eyes and let the kicks and snares soulfully influence my heartbeat. that familiar, vintage voice of hers pierced my sorrows, shattered my self-indignation, and became my closest experience to time travel ever. to quote a peer at the show, erykah badu's the shit ya'll.

exiting into the relentless florida summer, i felt really appreciative of the friends i had, of the times we spent together, and happy over the fact that i didn't drive to orlando. thanks again, john.

however, as i pondered on past and present, "she" kept popping into my head. during the concert, a goofy couple kept bumping into me from behind. they looked rather odd together for their height difference, but despite my silent opinions, he held her intently and they both smiled while mouthing introspective lyrics, grooving and looking toward the stage in unison. this girl behind me, donning curly hair, a flowing skirt, and a tanktop was exactly the image i didn't want to see, though it's an image that i haven't been able to let go of in 2 years. i constantly looked over my shoulder, partly because linda was making fun of me, but mostly to check on this coincidental manifestation of something i've secretly yearned since one despairing november.

"She would've really enjoyed this." or something similar whispered in my head all night.

--
this is my 18th attempt to post since my last. i haven't been able to find the desire to talk. i hope "she" doesn't mind me leaning on her for help again.

regardless of whether you still visit here or not, i'd like to let you know about my transit. maybe you can teach me to write this time. (forever the packrat...)

.hellos and goodbyes.

Goodbye, Navy. You and I had some awesome laughs. I hope Nintendo stops being its stubborn self until you can afford another laptop. Hopefully, you'll come by the cafe again when you come back from deployment, but I'm sure that's not going to be the case. I've already wished you the best, but I didn't get to wish you good luck with your upcoming marriage. She seems really cool. Anyway, you know where to find me. Be easy, Brown.

Hello, Muse. You are the music group that I always wanted to hear. Your sound fills me with the emotion and inspiration as i trudge through my days.

Goodbye, Jew's girlfriend. It was very nice to meet the woman who he always complains about. I hope you two had some decent fun while you were visiting. This town isn't exactly a cesspool of excitement. I know a long distance relationship can be tough, but it's not impossible. I'll be watching to make sure your man keeps his nose clean. Don't worry. I don't plan on stealing him from you... ever. I look forward to your next visit when you bring single friends. No lepers, please.

Hello, Spring. Every year you come to reign havok on my health. I'm positive we'll never get along. DIAF.

Goodbye, Kanon. You are a wonderful series and I will always treasure you. I'm a bit upset that you killed off my two favorite characters, but life without tragedy is a life sheltered in ignorance. Was that a good line? I just kind of pulled that out of the air...

Hello, dream. I think about you every night, but most of the time, I wonder if I'm wasting my time. What I'm doing now is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. The path to you seems to stretch for miles and I question my willpower to chase you til the end. I understand that I have to if I'm ever going to experience happiness. Why did I ever push you away...

Goodbye, bald head. I miss you so. You've been a fantasic haircut for the past 7 years of my life, however, my friend needs the hair to practice his barber skills on. Know that as the excruciatingly hot days approach, I'll be thinking of you.

Hello, blog. Over the past couple of months I thought about abandoning you. I'm sorry. I just wish I could change your name without ditching my archives. You have a goofy and corny pun for a title, and frankly, I'm sure I can do better. Unfortunately, I've come to the conclusion that I stick with you. Everything about me is goofy and corny and that I cannot pretend to be some hip internet celeb (though I wouldn't mind the traffic). I have a renewed dedication to keeping you current and entertaining for the people that do care/are bored enough to read you.

.a week later.

she's a no show. the feeling of "moron" is starting to settle in as i sit here, the same time as last week, waiting for another round with her. i didn't think i was capable of such idiocy. even if she did show up, i have no game plan, nothing to say. i'd hate to conclude this with something like, "at least i made the effort." but hey... at least i made the effort.

why am i here anyways? is this the subtle cry of desperation and attention? maybe it's my subconsciousness seeking redemption after all these years? more than likely it's probably the fault of my penis. yup... blaming the penis.

just a couple of weeks ago, my resolve was rock solid. now it's about as solid as my mid-section. i suppose i really got shaken last week. the thought of a love story like the one i'm trying to fabricate would be the envy of this entire city. but no... she didn't even show up to turn me down.

i'll take in this waste of time and make a proverb:

"Those who chase tail are always behind."

.a full table.

today was joseph's birthday, so i spent the day at his place. he invited me to stay for dinner and i instantly refused. for as long as i can remember, i've always felt uncomfortable at family events, especially when it's not my family. i tried to weasel my way out of this one, but he wasn't taking "no" for an answer. reluctantly, i said "We'll see..."

i ended up passing out on the floor in the afternoon. my sleep pattern is all but extinct, with my body catching rest whenever i have downtime. i just couldn't shake my drowsiness today and the next thing i knew, i knocked out next to his dogs. when i woke up, i realized where i was, the time, and that i was wrinkled to hell and covered in dog hair.

"Great..." i thought, "first i'm uncomfortable and now i look like crap."

... and then i smelled the food. joseph's window had been open and the aroma of yum-yums eased my nervousness. eventually, dinner was ready and i made my way downstairs with his family.

i sat down to a feast. lobster, shimp, crab, steak, and a whole bunch of other good stuff. i ate quietly as his family talked, mostly because i had nothing to say, but mainly because i hadn't had such a well prepared meal in a long time. between my repetative thoughts of "OMFG, THIS LOBSTER IS SOOO GOOD I NEVER WANT TO STOP EATING THIS" were feelings of jealousy. his family bond was so much tighter than mine. whenever i'm over there, they're eating and talking together. i never come out of my room for the sole reason of not being able to face my parents.

is there something wrong with me?

i helped clean up and said my "thank you's". i brought home food for my parents because i know they hadn't eaten well either.

.history.

how did you spend your valentine's day?

last night, i sat at my desk eating rice and fish-flavored pork. this is, more than likely, the most disgusting thing ever, right up there with cilantro and mongo beans. as my stomach shrugged and my tounge suffered, i wondered about what happened earlier that morning.

i woke up and decided not to be beaten down, to stick to my philosophy, and observe the day by giving everyone as many smartass remarks as i could. i decided to treat myself to coffee... and that's where everything went wrong.

i sat outside the store enjoying the morning mix of hot coffee and cool breeze. the weather was clear and cold again. the chill weaving through my jacket reminded me how much i loved winter. unfortunately, the breeze brought with it debris that i would never be ready for.

"Eric?" she asked.

"Vanessa?!"

coming out of the door and pausing before me, standing there with the natural elegance she had always exuberated, was the first girl i ever asked out. suddenly, i was stammering for words. my mind went blank. i probably peed in my pants. i had become 12 years old all over again.

i recollected myself as much as i could in the 5 seconds of uneasiness i was allotted and faced her with my reserved faux confidence. as we chatted, i nit picked at her mannerisms. she was always the cool quiet type: softly spoken, hand gesturing her enthusiasm, a gentle smile that i couldn't help but return. in my eyes, she still displayed all the reasons why i confessed to her in the first place.

as i watched her leave (god damn, i didn't mind watching her leave at all...), a gitty feeling passed over me with a new piercing wind; i started having all these stupid thoughts...

"She scared the shit out of me... I wonder if she's seeing anyone... hmm, she drives a RAV4... man, i can't believe that just happend... she looked sooooo good in that pinstripe..."

as i pondered nonsense for a few minutes, my ending thought was this...

"You know, she was the first person to ever call me 'ugly'..."

and all of a sudden, the events replayed themselves, being resurrected from the back of my brain: the mornings where i hoped to see her, the days i spent sitting by her and getting to know her in class, the afternoon where i gave her my note because the words were too hard to convey while facing her, the words that came afterwards, and finally seeing her kissing and holding a good friend of mine...

i don't blame her for anything. well, except... you know... denying my first feelings of love and obliterating my young self-esteem. other than that though, i'm thankful for the experience. she's had more of an impact on my personality than she probably realizes, and for that, i could never thank her enough.

... the rest of valentine's day i spent with my boys. we laughed it up, talked shit, played video games. it turned out just like i had planned it to be. however i decided to go home early and reflect. "Wonder what they're doing..." i said to myself as i curled up at my desk, thinking about the ones that effected me the most. i thought about the elaborate plans and presents that their boyfriends must have put time into for yesterday. i began my self-defeating mood as i sat alone, over my plate of gross with rice. "They better make them happy..." i detested.

thank god Sex and The City reruns on CW.