.bird.

(This is long overdue)

You were an asshole. You had the personality traits of a grumpy old man: short tempered, obnoxiously loud spoken, and a serious lack of empathy. You made me bleed on multiple occasions, even while I was trying to be nice to you. If you were a person, I wouldn't even bother connecting with you on a social network.

But, that was before I got to know you.

And for a short period of time, we knew each other. I learned your mannerisms. You watched me intently and learned mine. I would sing and you would follow in your own tune. You responded and we communicated. Your intelligence shined past all... eh, most of the bratiness you exemplified. I was beginning to understand.

And then that period ended.

I cried that day, not because you were gone, but because we had just started. In an instant, I realized what our relationship was and it made me sad to see it cut short. Knowledge is the greatest gift and we were able to share with each other. You showed me that there are multiple ways of listening and I taught you that I fucking hated it when you bit me or when you squawked endlessly for no apparent reason at all.

Thank you for the time you spent with me. I will never forget you. Seriously, you gave me scars. They're permanent...

.rehash.

Yesterday it came out. Genuine. Pristine. Looking down the bottom of the barrel again, just as I had done a decade ago; I grinned ear to ear. I've been here before; my back to the wall with doom looming over...

"Nowhere left to run..." I thought.

The challenge, nay, the opportunity is here again. The plan has changed and is written out. Let the 808 reverberate my heart's desires to the world. I will not stray. I will not fail...

With my introspection complete again, the transit must continue.

.square.

Sam Adams, the second to worst beer i've ever had. I drank it all. I could feel the alcohol work on my body. The unrelenting machine that is my mind begins to subside, but it isn't enough. The thoughts are still there, expressed with rigorous passion in my solo karaoke night. Sappy sadness and regret belt off my walls in an attempt to drown the bleak. I close my eyes and i see hers. That soft brown pierces my heart. Her smile follows just behind, swooning me into a sixteen year old giggly shadow of my former self. Her lips move but they are incoherent. My fingers run through her hair, down her cheek. I am lost in her again...

The answers to me are known, but the tangible uncertainty remains. The weight alone holds me down. I want to forget, if only for moments. Holding the empty bottle, I realize that this is not the answer. A bandage for internal bleeding. A spare gas tank for a flat tire. A square trying to be a perfect circle...

 I am thinking of you...

.collapsed.

I write this as I try again to catch my breath. Soaked in an emptiness all to familiar with its perforating scent of self-regret and second guessing. I made myself collapse chasing after you. I sat there behind the door as you walked away. In the passing minutes I debated about right and wrong. I argued over sense and sensibility. Fantasy and reality. Self-worth vs sacrifice. I wanted to sit and talk to you about all the interesting things I had been reading about and all the memories I wanted to make with you.

Whether or not this was the last time you entered our home, I felt the same as I always had. I wanted to smile... I wanted to hold you... I wanted to welcome you home. I had missed you. I have been missing you. I wanted to exclaim that I had slipped again and addressed you as my woman today, then proceeded to talk about how funny you are when you don't feel like doing something followed by an hour long argument. However, I felt your intentions were singular. I knew they were. I squashed every shred of fleeting happiness in that moment and struggled for restraint.

As you left, I followed. You closed the door and I stopped myself. Instinctively, I reached for the handle... and stopped. I fell to the floor.

Why am I letting you walk away!? Why can't I chase after you!?

Our dog panicked about, licking my arm and nudging my body every which way. "Where is she going!? Let's go get her! I need to pee!"

But all I could do was sit. I sat and cried. I cried for all the nights we had shared. I cried for all the nights I wanted still. I cried for everything. I had lost you. It didn't matter the circumstances or what was said, the pain of you leaving was real and paralyzing.

.where's my prize.

Seriously. Where is it...

I'm sick of waiting. I'm through with being reactive.

I had a dream last night. It was a death at a funeral. Maybe that was the sign i was looking for.

Maybe what i was clinging to is already dead....

She made it clear she has other pursuits.

I see them daily; i feel the warm waft of the back burner blaze against my skin and i wonder why i lash so much within.

because i have no one else. because she paid attention when i didn't want it. because i believe.

i don't think i want to believe anymore... just give me my fucking toaster.